Chabot's Corner

Seasons

2011-12-23T10:42:00.000-08:00

Gorge: chasm, divide, canyon, void, abyss, crevice, fissure, break, gulf, opening, schism, breach, falling-out.

The reason I put the definition for the word gorge above is because I have felt it often in life. In friendships mostly. It seems a friendship should be a never-ending ring of promise, kind of like what marriage is supposed to be like, but as marriages end bitterly or in a divorce caused by "Irreconcilable Differences", so do friendships sometimes.

Legal definition:

Differences between spouses that are considered sufficiently severe to make married life together more or less impossible. In a number of states, irreconcilable differences is the accepted ground for a no-fault divorce. As a practical matter, courts seldom, if ever, inquire into what the differences actually are, and routinely grant a divorce as long as the party seeking the divorce says the couple has irreconcilable differences. Compare incompatibility; irremediable breakdown...

Translation: We once were crazy about each other, enough to get hitched for "life", but now, we just cannot find the bridge that once joined my country to yours emotionally or physically.

Sometimes friendships also feel as if (or actually do end up) they come to the fork in the road as well. It has happened in my life. For example, when I was in high school, there was this girl and we were inseparable, no joke. We spent the night at each others houses incessantly, did every thing imaginable together, etc. But suddenly her true colors came out and she was this jealous, bitter person if I branched out and made other friends (which I did), and it came to the point where I felt I had to decide between HER and being a normal person who held more than one relationship. Hence the big breakup. It was hard, but such a relief. Like a breath of fresh air, a clean start. I did this many times thereafter, mostly with boys though. Jealous friends are way freakier somehow than a jealous boyfriend. It's just...awkward and somehow very Single White Female-ish. You have to make the break. For health reasons of course. Mental health. Ha.

So I come to my point. Sometimes..inevitably, your country no longer joins to the other person's country at no fault of your own, or theirs for that matter, it's just seems to be a natural occurrence in life. You drift apart, or you move, or you get married and have nothing in common with that person anymore. It is a mournful event, and pictures taunt you, making you sorry it had to happen, but nonetheless it is natural. Sad, but natural. What do you do with all of the memories you made together? Disneyland trips? Shared confidences? Crushes? Wedding pictures? Hopes, dreams, all the rest? Count it as lost and wasted hours that you could have been doing...what? Something more productive than practicing at being a good friend, throwing caution to the wind in order to make alliances? I think not. Every friendship, whether it has stood the test of time (which is very much a fire that tests the precious metals of our very fiber), or one that ended up crumbling until you no longer call, write, visit, care, is worth the investment if at the time we feel it is worth investing in.

I have many friendships in my life that I feel were much better at one point. And then I start to wonder, worriedly, if I could have somehow done things differently to keep the momentum it once had. The intrigue may be gone, and just like in some marriages, you let down your guard so much that you simply "fell out of love" (which, for the record, is a statement I honestly despise for it's obvious cliche' and shallow connotations) with your friend. Simply, friendships on any level take work. They, just like marriages, are not unlike a garden which must be weeded, watered and tended carefully and thoughtfully. There are times when we decide, whether consciously or not, that that particular friendship is no longer worth the emotional effort. They don't respond the way they once did or whatever. We just lost interest maybe, or our insecurities get the better of us and we think they are "over us". Maybe they've changed, maybe we have, maybe something, who knows? The blue sky just no longer shines on our friendship. Do we give up? Throw in the towel? Move on discreetly, or make some big, confrontational deal out of it where there is no hope but to leave hurt, battered and confused? I come to my conclusion. I USED to be a person who would do this. I would sidle away, whistling nonchalantly, making my exit, taking my final bow, or take them to coffee and say Goodbye, this is no longer working out, it's been real... Okay, maybe not so easily, but still. NOW, I do not feel I have this option, and rather than being a restraint to my come and go easily, gypsy friend approach, it is satisfying to know that if Jesus was not a person Who would cast off Judas (JUDAS!! betrayer, back-stabber, fool!) from his friend list, than I no longer have that option either. I am His, and if He wants me to invest in every person He has lovingly placed in my realm of relational scope, than invest I will. If they choose to leave me in the dust, will I shake the dust off of my feet and move on in the opposite direction, giving furtive guilt-laden glances in their general path whenever we find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of being in the same place, same time, accidentally? Or will I avoid altogether that role of breaker-upper... I am rambling. Yes, this is what I do. I get this crazy idea for a blog finally, and I thought I knew exactly what I was going to say, that when a friendship seems to be ending, you politely excuse yourself, you call it a night, a season has come to an end, and you go. But as I am writing this, I find that Jesus, even through my rantings, has commandeered this so-called conversation into a more pleasing way for His glory. Just as I would never willingly cast off my marriage as hopeless, I would not allow a friendship that I have poured myself into to dwindle. You do not let go, you do not look for release, when it comes to friends, they have become FAMILY, especially when they too are believers. You hold on for dear life, you ask God to breathe fresh life into that entity, and you pour every ounce of LOVE into that person, because that, my friends, is what God would want from us. That is what He would do. So there's that.

A dream

2011-03-12T16:54:00.000-08:00

I have been remembering my dreams in perfect clarity lately, and it just proves, due to memory, that we do in fact dream in colour. I had a dream last night that I was standing in calf-high water, seemingly the ocean, very clear water, and three snakes came wriggling towards me. Each one was like 3 or 4 crayons had melted together, that was the vivid colour of their slick bodies. I was trying to get away from them because they seemed menacing after a moment. They surrounded me, but somehow I managed to get out of the water. What is it about dreams where it is always a rarity that you can make your legs run? It was like slow motion trying to get out of the water and came across as more of a stroll out of it and away from the impending danger of the snakes.
I wonder what this means?

Freedom

2011-03-08T11:41:00.001-08:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GI7dXYO5Ks

Why I'm A Christian

2011-03-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

Some people were born into families that were Catholic or Christian, and fanatical about it. Or they were born into a family where the people were Atheist, or Buddhist, or whatever. I was born into a family that believed in God, and to some degree went to church and enforced loose rules of following Jesus. But then both my dad and mom went their own ways for awhile, so I was left to make my own decisions regarding faith.
I believed in a Higher Power, and believed always that some ONE had to have created our complex earth and all that thrived, good or bad, upon it. It's just that my view of WHO it was varied over the years of searching.
When I was little, I just believed that I was being watched over. When I was a teenager, I got into drugs, and I KNEW I was being watched. I felt the eyes even, or especially, when I was high on acid or some horrible hallucinogen that I thought I'd never come down from. They were not eyes of judgment, but they did not approve of what I was doing to myself. They were not eyes of anger, but they had a better plan for my body than the destruction I was reigning on my self. I recall looking in the mirror many times, high on something, hardly there on earth, and seeing this face, desperate for something to ground me, to shoot an arrow through the kite I was flying on in the winds of what I called adventure but now know to be a downward torrent of pain and self-destruction. I know that it was this lifestyle that brought me to my knees quicker than could have been the case. For me, drugs opened up my spiritual eyes to see the great evil that ruled that world. Many times I saw the darkness as if it were the reality, and I knew God was beckoning me to the light.
I am not a Christian because that is what I flocked to first. I am because I searched out all other pathways and asked God to show me His ultimate way. I was at one point avidly into astrology, and followed it as if it was a bible of guidance for my entire life. Pathetic, I know.
I was also very intrigued by witchcraft. I tinkered with Buddhism. I thought I could get away with "spirituality", in other words, just believing half-truths about Jesus being a good man, and being a good person who lived a life full of good deeds...lots of "good" in an otherwise jaded, rusting world. The only reason I am a Christian, to begin with, is that when I'd lay in my bed at night and assess my lifepath, I'd feel this rushing sense of un-peace. Like I wasn't quite there. I was close, but He had a better way. It turns out it is a better way, even though it is a narrow path. He led me into the fullness of His truth, and it was all the words of the Bible. The Jesus of the Bible. The One who said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." In John 14.
I am a Christian because it is the only way my soul found peace, true, unfettered, restful peace that flowed into my soul like liquid gold in the form of endless love, endless grace, mercy, and an empowerment I never thought I would have.

High Desert Museum

2011-01-23T14:46:00.000-08:00

Claustrophobia

2011-01-23T14:26:00.000-08:00

Beckah came over yesterday, and we decided, since it was free day at the High Desert Museum, that we would venture there and have a fun day exploring the wonders there. BOY did we misjudge....we got there and there were cars and different vehicles parked all along the driveway up to the actual parking lot, but we persevered and found a spot close to the entrance. People were pouring into it like it was...free....oh yeah.

We stayed maybe an hour, and many things were not a possibility due to the CRAZY amount of humans swarming the place. I felt what it must feel lie to be an ant in an anthill. SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE......

In the inside division of the museum, there are all of these 1800's displays, and usually it is my favorite part (besides the otter, of course...it's name is Thomas and he's usually so playful and happy-go-lucky you cannot help but giggle at his antics..) but the inside was so congested with people, and it's pretty dark in there, that I immediately started getting a panic attack and hyperventilating from Claustrophobia, that we hunted out the nearest exit and took it. It led us straight through the butterfly exhibit, which would have been so awesome, if the volunteers hadn't just gone on their smoke break, filling the already 85 degree (yes. Hot as HELL, after being used to 35-45 degree weather this Winter) with the stench of cigarette smoke in the misty and coagulated room. We bolted towards the doors to the outside division of the museum, and AHHHH, filled our lungs with the sweet scent of pine and chill weather (although warmish compared to our current weather, according to Becks, "A heat wave!" haha.)
and the sweetest scent of all...no squealing children, shoving parents, shuffling feet of the elderly, etc.
I HATE crowds!!!!
It could have been a really fun time...IF there were not so many humans. I know that may sound cold-hearted, but c'mon, I think as people, we all share one common-thread...We all enjoy the expanse of being one of few people within a space so that we don't have to fight for our air supply and elbow room. It's not too cold-hearted to want the foot space to be able to walk freely where you want to go without standing in a huge line. It's just the way we are.
That said, it was really cool of the High Desert Museum to have a free-day, it was just overrated, I think I would definitely prefer to pay the over-priced fee to go in, if I can walk through the place without worrying about losing my 4-year old in a crowd of thousands. Just sayin......

Once upon a time there was a girl...

2011-01-21T12:33:00.000-08:00

So, it may be hard for some to imagine this, but once, I was a girl who was young, and carefree and full of dreams. Lately I have been feeling like a washed-out, exhausted, dreamless, hopeless mother and wife with no imagination.
I mean lately, as in, the last couple of years. But in the last month or so, I feel that I am returning to my roots, and starting to dream again, and hope, and have some pretty crazy faith. I believe that it was on hold because I wasn't creatively and passionately seeking after my Jesus. He is really the dream-bestower, the hope-renewer, and the faith-infiltrator. I have been attempting to gather up my energy and pour it more fully into serving Him. Obeying His voice, listening for the quiet instruction, and going where He leads. I want to be on an adventure in this life, and I know I can only truly embark on this adventure if I allow Him to be the guide and one who forges ahead of me.
I have heard many exploits and endeavors, by people who allow the Holy Spirit to lead them wherever they go, and I want that badly! Graham Cooke is one of those people, he is plunging ahead and going where many have not dared to go, and I want to be ready at Christ's command, whether it be into the dark alleys to shed some light, or down the street to a lonely neighbor's house to bring some cookies and conversation. I long to be less internal and more loving outwardly.
This will only be good and lasting if I first give my efforts and energy to Jesus as an offering of worship from my firstfruits. He is worthy of the first of our finances, the first of our time, and the first of our outpouring of life each day.
So, whoever is my friend and loves me, will hold me accountable to this calling. True worship is placing Him first, and my greatest desire as a human and Christ-follower, is to be a true worshiper. I love Him, and I want it to show. amen?

2011-01-21T12:11:00.001-08:00

I just spent the last hour of my life trying to figure out how to re-do my blog, and ended up with something I still am not happy with at all. I am super frustrated!

Crap Storm

2010-10-19T10:06:00.000-07:00

Life at present is a swirling turbulent storm of poo. It is as difficult as can be, the trials squeezing me into a pulp. I am in a corner, trapped, but the Lord is still sovereign, and He will be victorious. Right now, even though I believe that, I am fighting off discouragement and weariness. It seems like the attack on our finances is a vice-grip that keeps getting tighter and tighter, threatening to pop the head off of me and destroy me, but this too shall pass. Right?
I will praise You in this storm.

"Wherever God's finger points, His hand will clear a way."

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-18

He is my help, my eyes are on Him, He is teaching me to trust even though all feels lost. He is teaching me to be content in every situation. To sing and praise Him even though I feel like weeping. This may sound dramatic, but there are so many varying things that have gone on in the past month, (actually, five months, but who's counting? ha.) that I can't even write about on here. People keep telling me there is a season of rest and good things coming, and I will hope for the best. Thanks for reading, and praying, if you think of us. Blessings.

Sorrow & Joy

2010-10-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

The most obvious example of sorrow and joy to me is marriage. There are so many things that can bring you either. I am so in love with my husband, more so today than when we first said our vows. He is my best friend, and when anything is wrong, I feel it in my own heart. Sounds strange, but anyone who is married to their best friend knows exactly what I am talking about.
Because we have a roaring enemy that prowls about seeking how to destroy us, and our marriages, I am finding I need to step up my prayer life.
I find joy when we laugh about things only we can laugh about together. I find sorrow when there are things he thinks he can't share with me. I find joy when he is home on a Sunday and we snuggle up together and there is nothing to fight about. There is sorrow when he is gone for hours and days and I feel far away from him because I haven't heard his voice in my ear, or felt his hand in mine. I never knew, not even when I first married Chris, that I could love someone this much. There is a verse in Song of Solomon, and he read it to me when we were engaged. It says,"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." S of S 8:6-7.
What a powerful entry! My heart is feeling the full effect of this today. Love is stronger than death.

Agoraphobic? nah....

2010-09-30T13:08:00.000-07:00

The leaves are turning shades of umber, russet, bright reds, banana yellow outside of my window. I should be outdoors enjoying the precious last few days of sunshine and park play, but I have been wasting away inside in my own private shell of privacy. The poor children, they just want a place to run free like little wild animals frolicking in the grass. I feel like some sort of agoraphobic. Except I am definitely not. I don't want to feel this way, but it is hard not to feel as though I am in a type of limbo at the moment. I am supposed to be acting as though I am moving, getting my house in order, but there is no house yet to move into on the other side...God has told us repeatedly to act in faith, and we are attempting it. I don't even know how Noah built that ark! There were no drops of rain or storm clouds in sight for the 40 years he constructed that clunky, crazy boat in his backyard, and all the neighbors were judging him to be a nut-job. But he faithfully kept on.
I have it easy, so to speak. People just don't find works of faith to be a thing of substance. My family thinks we are crazy, our friends keep asking if we've found a place yet, etc. and God just has us waiting on Him and His bricks that He is laying one at a time. One step two step, three step....Trust Me. Four step, five step, six step, wait.
Today is all we have. I should be making the most of it. And I am sitting in a chair with searing back pain waiting for some good news. Who's the nut-job again?

Writing to myself

2010-09-22T13:51:00.000-07:00

I don't know why I keep writing in this blog..nobody seems to read it unless I post it on facebook. Oh well. It was pretty fun while it lasted.

It's raining

2010-09-18T15:46:00.000-07:00

It's raining and quite dreary outdoors today. It's one of those hot chocolate, soup in a bread bowl, snuggle under the covers with your honey, movie type days. The kids are watching Old Yeller and I am writing a blog. My honey just left to do a worship service at Sister's Community Church for their youth.
I am thinking about going to the store to get dinner, and then snuggle up and watch Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow in it, for the umpteenth time. What is it about rainy weather that feels so romantic to me? It is as though something within my soul was tuned to respond poetically in times of deluge.
Lately I have been reading James a lot, and Isaiah, as usual. Isaiah is my all-time favorite book in the Bible. Not quite sure why, but a friend said today that Isaiah is like it's own small Bible in one book. It tells of Jesus, prophetically, before He even came.

Here is a lovely verse from James:
"Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand." James 5:7-8
And another on rain from Isaiah:
"For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."
My footnote underneath says just as water enlivens and strengthens a withering rose, God's word produces life in the hearts of sinners.
Good words. Beautiful words. Well, I am off now to snuggle down and be cozy on this dreary (yet beautiful) day. Enjoy friends!

Family Pictures by Marina

2010-09-18T15:41:00.000-07:00

We got some nice family pictures done by lovely photographer, Marina Koslow. It was a beautiful day.

Annie & Chris

2010-09-18T15:37:00.000-07:00

Dreams

2010-09-02T17:43:00.000-07:00

I have been dreaming a lot of birds lately. I (just for fun) went to this website for dream meanings, and it said this:

bird

Freedom, soaring, meaningful success
Ability to "rise above" pettiness and negative behavior
Ability to see clearly, understand, see the "big picture" or the truth

Hmmm...interesting! Usually the birds are hummingbirds, but not always. Last night it was, and it came right up to the window I was standing behind and tapped on the glass with it's beak 4 times, purposefully, and I saw it's little eyes looking at me, as if to make sure I got it or not... it was very odd!

Any ideas on what this could mean?

Come to the river, dip your hearts in the water...

2010-08-30T13:24:00.000-07:00

Selah: To pause, reflect, and consider.

2010-08-30T12:57:00.000-07:00

Today is a day I have given to be sanctified to Jesus, to acknowledge Him in being my all in all, my truest love and friend, and the most beautiful of any person ever come to earth, and ascended on high. I knew I had to give a day to him (though He is worthy of all time in my life) to express my gratitude and hunger for Him and His pure love above all other things which fill us up. Only He can fill us until we no longer are in need of any other sustenance. Only He can enlighten our minds to truth. Only He can direct my steps by illuminating my way with His words and guidance. So, I look to Him today and give Him my whole heart, and all of my time.
This, I acknowledge, is difficult for our flesh. My immediate desire upon awakening is to go directly to the kettle, warm up water and start my coffee routine. Then I figure out a breakfast meal to consume, for me and the children. After ALL of this, perhaps I either go to spend time with the Lord or I get on the computer to spend my time wastefully looking at my friend's lives and writing e-mails, or facebook spying, etc. I do all of these things without hardly thinking of the WHY. I just do, mindlessly it seems.
I am hungry. I am mostly hungry in my spirit for something that is lasting and fulfilling though. This does not come in the form of food that we place in our mouths (though one of my most favorite things to partake of, I admit, is eating scrumptious tidbits and delectable feasts of this and that). We hunger down deep within us. In a place only we, and more so, the Holy Spirit, can identify. I want Him to overflow in that place of want. He is my provision.
This all sounds strange and foreign and perhaps even vulgar to the mind that resides on flesh only. But to those of us who see there is more than what our eyes merely fall on in front of us, in this world, it makes sense, because we are searching with the eyes of our hearts.
I give You this day, Father, because You are worthy of my all. You alone can fill me the way I need to be filled, and pray for more of You: More enlightenment to spiritual things, More Holy Spirit to dwell within me, More cognizance to what lies beyond the confines and tethers of this earth, and most of all, More Love. I want to be teachable, and I see so much judgments and opposition and cynicism within me that comes out when I least expect, break me with Your love.

I choose to pause today and give you thanks. I've heard it said that pools of refreshment will stand in the footprints of those who wait on His next operating instructions, and I do this, I choose to wait on Him, His peace, His open doors, rather than trying to make my own way and coming up against unnecessary walls. His way is perfect and exact, and always love. Jesus.

I love to read.

2010-08-24T15:50:00.000-07:00

Reading is one of my all-time favorite pastimes, and always has been. I like reading light, casual books, or heavy, intense reads that grip my stomach in a vice-hold and I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Isn't it amazing that mere words on a page have the ability to do this to us?
Right now I am simultaneously reading four different books: Radical by David Platt, a book about taking your faith back from the American Dream, which has been on my heart a lot lately (simplifying!!), A Perfect Day by Richard Paul Evans, which is a fictional book that caught my fancy, You Were Made For More by Jim Cymbala, a book about finding your specific gifts and purpose in the Lord, and I can't remember the last one off the top of my head.
I choose books that I want to immerse myself in pretty carefully because I find that it is like being transported to another world, almost like a dream except that you live in someone else's words. If it is a really good book, for instance, I can pretend I am walking through the scenery being painted for me by the author. My mind becomes transfixed in the what who and why and it is like a small adventure. If it is a bad book, one that makes me feel negatively, I find it can also consume me in a wrong way, so this is why I say I am careful about what I read, just as I am particular about the movies I watch, because I don't want a bunch of garbage floating around in my brain that I don't need. I already have a battle waging war inside my mind, in thoughts that attempt to discourage or depress me, I don't want to feed this knowingly into me with a crappy book.
That said, I have been filling my mind with a lot of passionate topics lately, that impassioned me as well, and cause me to become edified and built up towards those things which inspire me to be better, and to shun the things that tear me down. These especially include as of late, the mysteries and gifts of the Holy Spirit.
I hope you all have been having an adventure in reading lately, I'd love to hear about what you are reading, and how it has affected you for the better, or worse:)
Bye!

Two of my favorite things:

2010-08-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

The ocean and my honey. all in one picture.

Marriage

2010-08-13T10:40:00.000-07:00

I just recently found out about a pastor that we used to have in California who has ended up in a horrible divorce with his wife of many years, and a messy custody battle over his children. It was strange, I was just sitting on my couch at a late hour (which around this house, is the only time I can hear God's voice because it's actually quiet) when I thought of him. I had not thought of this guy in many years, that his face came out of the blue. I couldn't even remember his name at first, just that he had been very kind and patient to me, counseled me when I was hooked on drugs and in the midst of all of my teenage angst. I remember sitting in his office across the desk from him, and going over scripture with him. I was a very confused girl at that point, and he would redirect my aimless rants to solid truth. Gently. I will not forget that.
We all have our struggles, and I have no doubt that both parties are to blame, but it just brings to mind the fact that marriages are crumbling left and right. If people within the church cannot retain a unified covenant, how can the world be expected to either? When we say our vows, one of the most important things spoken is this: What God has put together, let no man put asunder. In other words, no one, even yourself, should tear apart what God has put together. Of course, I am not dogmatic, and believe that sometimes, there are exceptions, and usually it is because God wasn't the one who put the two together, it was their own doing, and that is why it fell apart, because He had no part in in from the beginning. But a marriage that was two people, seeking God, and led to make that lifelong commitment, then just throwing in the towel, that is a tragedy indeed in my mind.
In this world we are living in where people lie daily to each other and cheat and seek their own happiness above anything else, it is nearly impossible to make anything last. This is why I am so filled with a quickening to place my desires and daydreams under the light of God's truth. Is it really necessary for me to have all the things I want or think I need all the time? Or will it be more beneficial and glorifying to battle out the things that are so vital. My marriage is the number one most important thing to me beside my relationship with Christ. My husband has faults, as do I, but I know that if I went searching for someone with less faults I would be wildly disillusioned, exchanging something highly valuable for a pipe-dream. With relationships, you are going to have messes. It is a basic fact of the matter. Our relationship with the Lord is one of the most perfect examples, and I even fall short daily in THAT one, so I should expect to find challenges and discrepancies in my everyday family relationships. Does this mean we give up and run away? No. I heard it said once, before I got married to Chris, that if you picture a married couple like 2 horses in a corral, who, when in an argument of some sort, each can run to the opposite sides of the corral but cannot leap over the fence, and must eventually come into the middle again to resolve their differences. It is a good mental picture for me, because I never really learned from anyone how to communicate through differences, if someone didn't see eye to eye with me, the conversation was over, we'd agree to disagree, but to try and work something out, some common ground, would be too much work and so I would run away. When I married Chris, however, I said to myself, I will not do this lightly. I will remain single if I want things to be simpler. In 1 Corinthians 7:34 it says,"An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband." and I knew, I would not allow anything less than His perfect best to take my attention away from Him. When Chris came along, I was not looking for that from him at all, it just fell into place, and I knew with all of my being that he was the one worth fighting for. It saddens me that it has to be such a battle sometimes to hold something together that was meant for a blessing...we make petty things into so much more than they need to be, rather than "Covering over a multitude of sins in love" as 1Peter 4:8 & Proverbs 10:12 charges us to do. One of my favorite verses is also from Corinthians, and it says not to take account of offenses. I tend to do this, and it is one of the things I seek to free myself from. If Chris took account of my offenses rather than letting them go, I'd be a guilty woman in his sight.
I love this verse, it has been on my heart a lot lately,"How good and pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like precious (fragrant) oil poured on the head, running down the beard.." Psalm 133:1-2 The whole Psalm is worth reading, it is one of the shortest and most important Psalms, it is as if that was all that needed to be said in it. How important for us to be united!! "For there the Lord bestows His blessing, even life forevermore." Oil in scripture always represents the holy spirit, a sort of inner vulnerability, a holiness and beauty in my mind, like the woman who broke her expensive alabaster vial to spill out the perfume upon Jesus' feet, it needed to be broken to spill out it's worth, just like our hardened hearts need to be broken to emit the fragrance of love. Unity is one of the most powerful and glorious tools we have in relationships and in congregation, yet there is so precious little of it. Let us begin by keeping our marriages together and our hearts soft towards each other. Then perhaps the church will truly display the image of a Beloved wife and her Husband, Jesus, dwelling together in perfect unity, rather than quarreling over ridiculous and petty things such as whether to have the music before or after, with lights on or off in church, and silly things! Let us be inclined to put one another above ourselves and not live enslaved to selfishness and self-seeking. Marriage on earth is supposed to be the example for what the Church looks like, minds in one accord walking toward a common goal. Why do we make it so complicated?

It's been awhile

2010-07-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile since I posted a blog, so here goes. It's not necessarily that I have been busy, I've just been trying to stand on God's promises. Sometimes that can consume all that I have within me. Sounds dramatic, but there it is.
We have been struggling terribly with our finances due to a new thing where the state of California is taking out 550 dollars straight from Chris' paycheck. I am honestly not sure what our next step is, but I see boxes and moving trucks dancing in my head, with nowhere to go. There are many things I am battling, in prayer, and in life, and Chris is planning his next cd. I will probably erase this after I write it so that I don't get in trouble...we'll see how cheeky I feel when I am done with this post...;)
Everybody here in Bend seems to somehow be pulling away from me, without even trying. I have few connections left here. God has made no promise of leading us to California like I would like, or anything specific, but we were prayed over on our last trip there, as a couple, by an amazing woman of prophetic giftings. It was said that He would lead us out of here, but we would not leave in haste. And so my dilemma. My constant dilemma when God speaks a promise, is to run ahead and try to discover the rest. God is trying to teach Chris and I to trust Him, to have joy in all circumstances (in sickness and health, in richness or poorness) and to wait on Him faithfully, patiently. Well....I am not patient. I am frustrated. Truth be told, when Chris said he was going to start recording on his 2nd cd in the end of August, I envisioned myself packing up the entire house, getting a storage unit, letting him stay with a friend, and taking the kids to my Mom's so that we can save money and have some sort of hope for the future. Everything is unsure! I am trying not to be stressed and worried, because truly, He is taking care of our daily bread, but we owe bills!! Many!! and rent! I will not lose heart...I will keep on, because I am human and I have strength funneling into my weak, pathetic spirit from a mighty, holy, awesome God who is rich beyond measure. "I would have lost heart, if I did not believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13.
I will wait. I will trust. I will yield to Him to chisel this patience thing into my heart. My soul will rise to Him and I will sit by still waters meditating on His peace and hope and faithfulness. Even if it's the hardest thing I have to do.

Here Comes the Sun

2010-05-26T17:36:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about the things I always thought that ideally I would want to be defined by, at least by the end of my life, but hopefully, NOW...and continually in heightening waves of growth. Here they are: To be a joyful person, radiant with a sunshiney outlook and inner optimism that encourages and places hope within all that I come to meet. This radiance would infiltrate my entire persona. I want to be a person who truly gets out there and LIVES life, which means I really need to quit worrying so much about what people may or may not be thinking about me ( because they are most likely NOT thinking about me, haha).
I want to explore, get dirty, travel, and meet and love people truly. I want to stop being so materialistic and simplify all aspects of my life. We can really live very fruitfully with very little, surprisingly.
I want to accumulate experiences rather than THINGS!! I want to make my dreams come true that I have placed on a far up shelf to gather dust.
I want to be healthy and fit and love my body in all of its imperfection...
I want to be loyal to my husband, and romantic, in love, inspiring, the best friend he will ever have, and completely passionate for him until the day I die! I want to be a big kid, and ride bikes and roller skate, and have fun with my children and not take life so seriously!
I want to leave a trail of dust behind me when I die that tells the world that I was here, and I LIVED life. I want to be happy!
I can only fulfill all of this by placing Jesus first, and this I will do whole-heartedly. He's the best thing I could ever have in my life, and the wellspring of goodness.
Choose life TODAY. I am.

2010-04-06T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sweet Home, OR.

2010-04-06T16:54:00.000-07:00

Day Trip

2010-04-06T16:44:00.000-07:00

The other day we decided we were in dire need of a small adventure, so we headed out the door with a big picnic lunch full of snacks, gassed our car up, and went for it. Where we ended up, we didn't really care, we just wanted to find a place that was green and warm, and maybe had fields of flowers to gaze at. We drove through Sisters, Oregon, and beyond the McKenzie Pass headed towards Sweet Home and Salem. It was a long time before we reached beauty (green forests, mossy trees, trickling water falls off the road, and lovely streams and lakes. We finally came to a stop in a small town called Sweet Home, which we found almost 70 degrees (20 degrees warmer almost than Bend was upon departing), and quite charming despite it's decline structurally. You can see everywhere in the US the recession's fingerprints, unfortunately. So many beautiful properties are for sale, and not being cared for or repaired.
We went to this lovely park which had an ancient covered bridge on its property. I am pretty obsessed with covered bridges, and my husband appeases me by stopping at them to take pictures:) He's so sweet to me! Anyhow, it was such a fun little adventure, I just love going place with my family. My husband is the best traveling companion!
The End:)

It's The First Day of Spring!

2010-03-20T15:15:00.000-07:00

Hello Spring, I like you. I like you because your weather is so much kinder than Winter. So much hope in the crocuses poking their purple heads out of the hard soil, and the yellow dandelions waving their smooth petals in the breeze. I like you because the baby birds are hatching in their nests upon every branch and under every eave and calling out excitedly to the blue skies where their mothers fly drowsily searching for worms.
I like you, dear Spring, because you make my heart think of Easter and new birth, and awakening from long slumbers in the darkness to run through green grassy fields with wildflowers and joy. I like the way you smell after a fresh, light rain. I like the way your light reflects everything golden-hued and how rainbows appear in the sky, and as I wake in my bed, your sunlight's fingers run through my hair.
This is the time when I take long drives just to see the colors on the ground, and the birds in flight, and to get a lemonade from some tiny store I have never been to before. It's when the children and I buy lots of eggs to dye vivid happy colors, and we celebrate Jesus and His triumphant life risen from the tomb. It is Spring, and my mind sprouts with poetry and a full heart. So thankful for the changing of seasons, how they keep me on my feet and ready for action.

I love this picture of us, haha!

2010-03-20T15:12:00.000-07:00

Fun with the Delerys on Ben's Birthday:)

2010-03-20T15:08:00.000-07:00

My children

2010-03-20T14:13:00.000-07:00

I love my children, but there is nothing like the baby of the bunch, the runt of the litter so to speak. He is my cuddle bear, my sweet baby angel. He adores me, sticks up for me. He calls me "beautiful girl." Today while laying in bed upon awaking, (um, because he crawls into bed with my husband and I pretty much every night), we were talking and I said,"Jude, you're my boy." and he replied, "I not a boy! I just Jude Hezekiah, I'm a kid." ha! Three years old. Then he went on to say, "Harmony's a kid, Eli's a kid..." and I asked,"Am I a kid?" and he said, "Noo, you're a wife!" haha. Love it. He's such a cute character. His giggles sound like music to my ears.
I love my children, but there is nothing like the middle child, especially if you yourself are the middle child. My daughter is the middle child, and she is my princess, my sweet peach, my butterfly. She loves pink and dancing and dolls. And she loves her mama. She's a tiny director, a little mother herself, already filling the role of lady. She fills the whole room with her laughter, and seemingly the whole universe lights up. The other day when I was brushing her hair, she looked up at me sassily and said,"What's my hair made of anyways? Spaghetti?" and we burst into giggles together because it sounded so funny. Another day she came running dramatically up the stairs to me in my room, and she said,"Judebug just kicked me in the eye with his hard toe!" I thought it was so hilarious, I couldn't help but laugh, but she was angry at me for laughing "at her"....Such a girl!
I love my kids but there is nothing like the oldest child. I don't know if it's the fact that we got 5 luxurious years all alone together to bond and get to know each other inside out, that formed some sort of mutual respect, but he knows the moment I am off emotionally, when I walk in a room he can just tell. He comes over to me and puts his arms around me and kisses me or looks me in the eye and says, like a small man,"You need a hug, I think." He is so great! He's my little scientist, my curious bookworm. We have much in common, and yet much that is opposite as well. I think (secretly of course) that he is much smarter than me (okay, it may not be a secret...).
The other day I was really exhausted and he came to me and said, "Tomorrow, I am gonna set the bathroom all up like a salon, and I'm gonna put cucumbers on your eyes, and massage you, and you can take a bath with your lavender salts..." Such an amazing kid. Ahhh, I am a lucky mama.
And then there is my "adopted" children...My small friend Becks, whom I would literally do anything for out of love. God has truly blessed me with the wealth of so much love.

True Contentment.

2010-01-30T10:58:00.000-08:00

Today is Saturday and Chris is working. I have Harmony and Jude, and Eli is with Grandpa. Outside the trees are painted white with snow, and the ground is a sheet of white glaze as well. Though I am not fond of the cold, it is extremely beautiful.
There are no plans until tonight, when we are going to dinner at the Dickinson's house. It's been a long time since our families connected, so I am excited about that time together. I am snuggled in the softest red blanket with hearts all over it, just finished my coffee, my mind is sharp-edged with the caffeine and the freshness of morning.
My husband brought me pink roses last night, and they looked so sweet and beautiful in the bag, and then we took them out to place them in a vase, and they fell all over the place, wilted and past their prime. Chris was really disappointed, he felt like he threw away $13. I said we could take them back....
Isn't it so often in real life that people or things look like they are perfect in their little package of appeal and perfectness, and then we get a closer look only to find it was an illusion and simply a disappointment? "The grass is always greener" quote is so accurate. We must make the most of our lives where we are now. I was so unhappy for so long, thinking that this place was so dissatisfying and that I needed to move back to California, or someplace else. But the problem was not where we live, it was in ME. I was discontent because I had allowed myself to become stale and joyless. I had my husband so convinced of my unhappiness and depression, that he knocked on many doors to get us out of here so I could "be happy" again. Every door remained shut, but God spoke to me, saying,"Bloom here. I have you HERE. Make the very most of it."

It is so important to remain fruitful and to be thankful for what we have. I have been so ungrateful for what I have. God has blessed me abundantly with: My beautiful husband who has such an amazing heart, who listens to me and loves me, who tends to me carefully like a gardener in their realm of flowers. He is a jewel, and I couldn't have asked for a more precious gift and friend to remain by my side during my stay here on earth.
My children! Each one is such a delight in their own individual, adorable way. Eli is so intuitive, he knows me so well! He is affectionate and kind, and smart, and we have the best conversations. Harmony is sweet and feminine and a peacemaker by nature. She is sensitive and doting, and understands people on a deeper level than most adults. Jude, my little Judebug, is such a ball of curiosity and joy. He adores his sister and brother, loves to play, explore, run, chatter and crawl into mine and Chris' laps and cuddle. They each make me smile so much, and laugh! I am so blessed beyond belief to have three such healthy, exuberant babies!
I am thankful for my home, my bed, my kitchen where I can cook meals for my family and friends, and our living room where we hold our prayer group. There are SO MANY things to list when you get into this frame of mind, it is hard to hold back. It would take all day to say all of the things I am so grateful for. And it would take up way too much room. But, I know that the number one "thing" I am thankful for, and which is the reason that all of these other things have been ushered into my life to make me so prosperous, and it is Jesus.
When I think about my life before I chose to give Him my heart, I feel the void and deep chasm that was my soul. I was in pain, and hungry for something I couldn't put a name to. I just knew the things I was choosing to fill the gap in my heart with were just serving to make me emptier and more dead. Drugs, sex, friendships with people in the world, busyness, alcohol, astrology, all of the things I made my religion before Christ, were like gateways to more pain and loss. It was a downward stairway that I was descending rapidly and blindly, thinking it brought me release when it only birthed self-destruction and misery.
Today, I am thankful. To know true joy and peace. To be flooded with a light that can never be put out or die. I am thankful for a hunger and thirst that has been quenched with a feast that won't decay nor become gall in my belly. I am at ease. "He brought me to His banqueting table, and His banner over me is love." He extends this peace and love to all who ask, to all who simply say it and mean it in their hearts. "Come, lay down thy weary head upon My breast and dine with Me." He says. "Be free. Lay down your burdens so that I can take them up and you can be free." Jesus is the Way, The Truth and the Light. Come today and be refreshed once and for all.

I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The Fruit of Our Lips.

2010-01-28T19:07:00.001-08:00

You know what I see a lot of, and it's really a shame, is people who claim to have the gift of prophecy or encouragement, and trade in the power of their mouths and ministries for foul words and talebearer ways to take place.
Prophets and people with the gift of words or encouragement are often hindered with an open mouth to gossip and negativity. It is so disappointing to hear someone who clearly has such a gift for language use their mouth to tear other Christians apart. This grieves the Spirit and crushes people's lives. To put a bad light on a sister or brother simply because you feel the need to say something, is immature and a waste of your ministry, and time.
We should pray that our mouths are a place for good things to spill forth and bless, and lift up. People who have issues with their mouths betraying them with gossip should take a break from preaching, leading worship, or their gift in my opinion, until they can keep their mouths closed when they feel the need to slander. If there's one thing I cannot tolerate, it is gossip and slander. It breaks down the body and fuels sin. It should not be done in the Body of Christ. We should be healing with our words, not wounding.
Isaiah 6:5 says,"Woe to me, I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." He was seriously grieved by the position he was in because he was in the presence of a Holy God who knew all, and hears all. I am guilty of this, or else I would not be writing this right now.
I pose this question, are we praising the Lord with our tongues, and also cursing men and gossiping? In James it says,"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers (and sisters), this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? Can a fig tree bear olives? Or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." He is so right, and I want pure water to flow from my mouth, only that which will edify and lift up and be comforting and useful to our growth.
It is so easy to be a talebearer. But it is also easy to clamp your mouth shut and say nothing if there is nothing good worth saying.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." ~Proverbs 18:21

Let's let the fruit of our lips be love, not hate.

Time

2010-01-12T10:32:00.000-08:00

News update on the Chabot's, a small break from my monotonous work-out blogs....blah. Chris started his Nursing Assistant class, which is a long, time-consuming and strenuous class 3 days a week. He is doing this in pursuit of his eventual nursing degree, which he should be obtaining within the next two years if everything goes according to schedule.
Last time when Chris took classes, he quit his job temporarily at the dialysis clinic and was a full-time student at COCC, and that consumed pretty much all of his time, while also working at the coffee shop a couple days a week. But this year, he held onto his job as technician at the clinic on top of doing the new music thing he is doing, and the CNA class. He is crazy-busy. I am not sure yet where our family fits into his extreme schedule, but, I am not complaining, he is doing what he needs to do right now, and my fighting against that would merely bring strife where it is unneeded. We formulated this plan to keep our health insurance this year, because the last time was so stressful! We were scared every time the kids got sick, because there was only our out-of- pocket plan:) I told him though, if this becomes too much for you, take a break from work, we will manage. The main directive here is for Chris to get his Nursing license.
It is hard to only have one day with my husband, Sundays, but I keep remembering something my mom told me recently whenever I feel lonely or sad that I don't have the company of my best friend and my love,"Right now you don't have a lot of time together, but just wait, there will be a time soon when you will be together all the time. Absence does make the heart grow fonder." She is right. Soon we may have TOO much time together. This would be my ideal plan: Chris get his Nursing License, gain experience for a year here if necessary, then move. Move to Ireland if that is what God wants, or Northern California. But no more snow:)

Day Quattro of Jillian Michael's Shred.

2010-01-07T19:33:00.000-08:00

Day Four, Level Two. One five lb. weight found, so I switched off arms and used it in the squats today. I wasn't sore when I awoke this morning, so I went hard, and it felt great. I ate a healthy breakfast of Special K and coffee, took my vitamin, and at 12:30, I popped the dvd in upstairs and finished it out (unlike yesterday...I kinda finished poorly yesterday...).
I still weigh the same, my stomach still looks bad, so I am functioning purely on hope here. I think I need to kick it up a few notches and actually do a healthy diet plan. Tonight I made a delicious dinner of rice, salad, steelhead baked with limes and olive oil, and invited my dad over for dinner, and he brought CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE and bread that was still warm from the oven, and I had a glass of wine...so......yeah, still failing that area of the Shred plan. Maybe I should get in on this Jillian Michael meal plan, whatever that may be. If anyone knows, can you send me a link? That would be helpful.
I am pleasantly surprised to find that I have more than a few friends who are also doing this 30-Day Shred, and it inspires me to continue with it even more so! Thanks ladies!!!!
I hope all of you are doing better than me when it comes to the eating thing. I want to get results by the end of this so that it has not all been pain in vain, so to speak, so yeah...I am totally going to start eating healthier. Does anyone else out there have a difficult time dieting or even eating healthy because of their family? Shouldn't it be the other way around? My kids are SO picky!! Jude survives on bread, peanut butter, bananas and yogurt, God knows how. Harmony eats pretty well, but Eli is really particular about what he eats too. Jude is a vegetarian, but not in a healthy kind of way! Ahh well, works in progress...Sorry but I will not be the type of mom who shoves food down her kids throats with threats, it is not a fun way to grow up. Small steps, right?

Good luck with this, and thanks for bearing with me on the journey to shred!

Day 2 & 3 of "The Shred"

2010-01-06T12:25:00.000-08:00

Ouch.
Yesterday I did Level 2, instead of continuing with Level 1-- Big Mistake. I awoke this morning barely able to move. bending over is the worst, with climbing stairs a close second worst. I find myself groaning more than normal at the smallest movements.
But strangely, I am not quitting, because I am determined this time around to actually complete something that I know will be rewarding in the end.
My butt hurts more than anything else, and my legs. I want my abs to burn!!! But they are not. So today, rather than doing all of the squats, I would remain on the ground and do more ab work. Hoping that'll even me out a little.
I am still not eating as well as I'd like, having finished off the 7-layer bars, and eating almost half a bag of Doritos yesterday....but today I only had 2 of my husbands (small) chocolate chip pancakes and 1 mini sausage, and then eggs w/spinach. Hopefully lunch will NOT include chips today, or a sweet treat, although it just might.
This is all for today, short blog, but, tomorrow will be better, I promise!

Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred

2010-01-04T12:22:00.001-08:00

Day One!
I am not excited, even though I want to be totally into this. I need a pep-up, like a concoction of something that makes me energized...any ideas? I took my Vitamin-C fizzy drink laced with ginseng, and my multi-vitamin, and went for it (ahem, to be totally honest here, first I ate a 7-layer bar....and eggs, and coffee with cream and sugar, so, not sure if there will be many results...). I did Level 1, and it was a good work out! Not as bad as I thought.
I couldn't find my 5-Lb. hand weights, so I used (shamefully) black beans in cans..hahaha...humorous. In other words, I am not at the top of my game here. I couldn't take my measurements because I can't find our measuring tape, but I am guessing my measurements are this: Jiggly, loose, 10-12+ lbs of extra holiday chub. I know this: I weigh almost 130, and only two pairs of my jeans fit at the moment, so I have been wearing stretch pants under flowy shirts to conceal my extra-love going on. I want this pretty bad!! I want especially to fit back into my regular pants without buttons flying into the toilet when I attempt to button my pants back up in restaurant bathrooms, and for shirts to look decent on me without Spanx sucking my rolls in underneath (too much information, I know, I know).
I will keep all of you amazing fans updated on how this diet workout plan goes, if only to keep me accountable. (Speaking to my two blog-followers...hello!)
Hopefully by tomorrow I can find my weights so I don't have to resort to using canned goods, and maybe I will have started off by NOT indulging in a treat that is made up of pure sugar, butter, and chocolate......to be continued....

Holidays

2009-12-30T11:29:00.000-08:00

Well, the holidays are passing by, Thanksgiving is gone with all of delicious delicacies in abundance, Christmas rolled by (even though my tree still stands tall and glorious in our livingroom) with the gifts and the wrapping paper, the marvelous meals among lovely people, the shrieks of delight from the children, and the stress headaches of mom and dad....:) The phone calls pleading to know what the kids want, wishes of spending the holidays with family we won't be able to this year, and the overflowing garbage bins outside stuffed with colorful paper, cards, discarded food, poinsettias wilted, etc.
The New Year is upon us, just days away. I am determined this year not to become depressed when we cart the tree out the door to the sidewalk, and place the dainty decorations carefully back into their spots in boxes that we'll shuffle to the garage for another whole year. I will rejoice that I have healthy, happy children and a wonderful spouse who is in love with me and our life. I will be joyful because I have friends who are loyal to me, and love my family. I will sing praise because God's favor is on us, and because I have faith in the miraculous, even if it seems silly to many.
This Year will be a year of: New Birth ~ My heart is reborn in the fresh luster of Christ's light.
New Hope ~ The hopes that I placed on a shelf to gather dust are coming alive once again as I place them in His hands to flourish verdantly.
New Love ~ My heart is so full with the love that I have, and am yet to have. Love from so many sources. Our hearts are like richly watered soil springing forth life in the blooms of flowers and fruits readily available through Jesus and His huge love for all who ask. It flows from us, His vessels to any who are in need. Love is the food of our souls and we are feasting.

Happy New Year my loves!!

Harmony's 5th Birthday

2009-12-17T15:22:00.001-08:00

I cannot believe my baby girl is already 5!! Here are some cute pictures of her party:) The pictures ended up down below with the other pictures:) If you wanted to see them, you can scroll all the way down.

Dreams

2009-12-07T18:01:00.000-08:00

My dreams are so weird sometimes. Sometimes they are a hodge-podge of different puzzle pieces from my day pasted together with silly putty, but other times, I KNOW they are some tidbit of information from God to me, if I'll just listen.
This morning at 4:55 I awoke from a dream I knew was interesting and odd, but totally a spiritual dream. It was an end of the world type dream, except it was an un-frightening one. It wasn't the type where you are running and helping, etc. It was in a house-setting,and there were a random variety of people from different seasons of my life. People were being lifted up and away, and my mom, Chris, and I stayed, with a bunch of others. At one point I looked out the window and saw that the trees were "clapping their hands" and I got really excited about that. Then the house lifted up on wings and flew into the sky towards heaven, and I said,"I finally get to see my Jesus." Right when the dream ended, I bolted awake, in a state of excitement for some reason. I attempted to share my feelings with my husband, who groggily said, "humphhh, that's great honey.."
I like dreams. Sometimes they make me feel like a opened one of those windows like in Beetlejuice, and there are strange creatures floating about on the nightscape, all creepy and otherworldly. Sometimes they are like a movie you are the star of, whether it's an adventure, a romance, a battle scene. But my favorites are when I know God has somehow picked up a sort of telephone and given me a direct message to encourage or boost me in my faith. I love that.

Being Led

2009-11-29T13:37:00.000-08:00

Today Chris and I left the house in a blustering big hurry in order to get to a certain church on time. We left at around 9:55am, and the new church service starts at 10. We drove in the right direction, thinking we'd be only about 5 minutes late, and then we suddenly had second thoughts. We turned around and drove in the direction of another church we kinda wanted to try out, and the sign said IT started at 10 too, so we changed our minds again, and drove in the direction of the church we've been sampling for a few months now, and it felt so RIGHT. It was weird, we both felt it so clearly, that we were supposed to be there today, now. It was a relief, and the service was definitely the one we needed to be in. It was about the Holy Spirit, and Casey Parnell and Mike Summers led worship, and their hearts are both so precious towards the Lord that we were able to enter in to the presence of God, etc.
It was so good to know that even if we are heading in the opposite direction of where we're supposed to be going, God's heart is so concerned with His placement of us, that He'll turn us around and set our feet on the perfect path of His plan. Just one more reason I am in love with Jesus!
Just had to share that. I am joyful today.

The Weepies

2009-11-28T16:01:00.000-08:00

Music

2009-11-28T15:44:00.000-08:00

Chris and I have both always had a huge passion for music. We were both raised on a lot of different genres of musical talents, but Chris prefers old folk, country folk, Indie styles, mellow music, and classic rock. I enjoy almost every genre except country. I don't mind old country like Willie Nelson and Dolly Parton, but I despise the new country rock. I think it is annoying. My favorite artists include Beck, Iron & Wine, Coldplay, Bob Marley (his really old reggae is sooo amazing), and too many to name really. I used to be really drawn to darker music styles like Portishead, Moby, Bjork, Nine Inch Nails, Depeche Mode, Fiona Apple, but it's hard for me to listen to now because I see the moods that music can put me into. It's quite the phenomenon how quickly and solidly music can transport you into different frames of mind.
When I listen to uplifting worship music like Hillsongs, the Brooklyn Tabernacle Choir, Kim Walker, John Mark McMullan, or Delirious, I become encompassed with feeling. My soul expands and my heart opens, and I am in a place where I can hear the Lord speaking to me pretty clearly. It just makes me more at peace, and happier. When I listen to The Weepies, Sufjan Stevens, Iron and Wine, or Coldplay, I am in touch with either my melancholy self, or the part of me that enjoys wordplay and depth of song, even if my soul is not necessarily always glorifying God. I enjoy music, and all types. I love to listen to Classical or Opera if I am painting or writing because it is a good backdrop for creative juices to flow.
If I am angry, for instance, I used to listen to Rage Against the Machine or Fiona Apple, but now I know, if I am angry, that's just going to make me MORE angry and despairing. I will put on something peaceful like one of the Bobs (Bob Dylan or Bob Marley) or worship music or Neil Young.
Chris and I love music, we love our different varying tastes in music because that just means we have more options in the house and car to choose from:)
Music is good.

Willie- Chris' first favorite musician

2009-11-28T15:41:00.000-08:00

Bob Dylan....my husband's 2nd favorite musician

2009-11-28T15:37:00.000-08:00

Book Corner

2009-11-27T10:36:00.000-08:00

I thought I would dedicate this post to books I have recently read and enjoyed in the last few months.
First off, I have always been a big reader. It is one of my most favorite pastimes. I remember being very small and already a great lover of books. I would spend hours laying on my bed or sitting in a tree reading the Nancy Drew books, Ramona Cleary books, The Secret Garden, Deenie, and Are You There God? It's Me, Margaret by Judy Blume. I think one of my favorites back then was Just As Long As were Together by Judy Blume, and another, Ten Kids, No Pets by Ann M. Martin. The names of the ten children in that book inspired me to want to name my children interesting, rare names. I read those two books over and over and over again until I had them almost memorized.
I am almost 100% convinced that part of the reason my eyesight is so terrible today is because I would stay up until midnight reading by moonlight in my room as a child, or as I got older, I was the classic kid reading with a flashlight underneath my quilt until the wee hours of the morning! It was an obsession. I got lost in the stories, they transfixed me, swept me away into a different world where I was the character and lived another life.
I loved mysteries most when I was younger, I think. I read every Nancy Drew I could get my hands on, and those books where you can choose different endings appealed to me too. As I got a little older, I loved the V.C. Andrews books mainly because I knew I shouldn't be reading them, and then that turned into an entire misuse of my reading habits......but I'll talk about that another time.
Well, to begin, the latest books I've read include The Giver by Lois Lowry, We Have Always Lived in the Castle by Shirley Jackson, Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers, and right now I am working through The Time Traveler's Wife by Audrey Niffenegger. I attempted to read Bridget Jones' Diary, but had to return it to the library before I could get interested (not to mention the language was coarse). I have The Haunting of Hill House, also by Shirley Jackson, and plan to read it, but I am not sure why.
To Kill a Mockingbird was more interesting the first time around, when we read it as a 7th grade class in voices, but still I am glad I reread it recently.
I am spacing on the other books I have read in the last few months because my kids are fighting, as usual, which is why I stay up until midnight reading most nights, I simply cannot get through more than a page at a time with these kids yelling and pulling at me! So, my reading time is at night, with my crystal lamp half-shrouded by a silk scarf so my husband (who arises at 4 in the AM to slave away) can get some shut eye without my late night reading escapades diverting his efforts of rest.
Thanks for reading this lame post...it was meant to turn into a sort of review of books, but I am not able to do that at the moment due to scurrying small-folk:)
Good Day!

Snow Globe

2009-11-22T10:08:00.000-08:00

So, I woke up in the middle of the night last night, and it was crazy snowing outside. Everything was already covered in pure white fluff. When we got up this morning, the children scurried about at 7:30 am excited and standing on beds to see through the windows and watch the snow floating all around. It looked like we were inside of a snow globe, everything perfectly coated in layers of white.
I love how everything gets all muted when it snows. Traffic passes slowly over the highway, like cars traveling over pillows. People walking sounds like soft padding through billowy feathered quilts. The world is like a frosted cake. It looks so clean and virginal.
But there are the drawbacks too... Like how flipping cold it is when you step foot outside, how many layers of clothing you must don, and getting three kids ready to go anywhere consumes so much time that by the time you ARE ready, you don't really see the point anymore. Like church today. I really wanted to go, but Chris had to work to make up for getting Thanksgiving off, so it would be just me and the kids going. I pondered it, and still want to go, but here it is nearing the time to be there and I am still in my p.j.'s, and so are the kids. It's freezing out there! Staying in and drinking hot cocoa and watching movies or playing games just sounds so much more appealing.
Also, driving, if you do get out, is really scary. Wheels seem like they have an extra pair of roller skates on that you must skate through slippery greased streets. Sometimes the going is fine, and feels safe, and other times, your brakes simply do not work and you skid through stop signs and around round-abouts until something stops you, like the car in front of you, or a curb.....
I drive like a 90-year old woman when snow is on the ground, my sense of safety in trepidation and hesitance.
Or I just don't leave the house.
I felt bad for my husband this morning as he set off at 5 in the morning in the dark, to scrape piles of snow from his windshield, and heat his icy car, to work on a Sunday. I wished he could just stay cozy in bed with me and we could pull the covers over our heads and crank up the heater and have coffee in bed, and perhaps ditch church.
But it is beautiful if you don't have to go out in it.

Sunrise

2009-11-18T08:17:00.000-08:00

This picture is taken in Cayucos Beach, a little coastal town in California near San Luis Obispo, where we have rented a house right on the beach since I was about ten. The sunrises are spectacular (when the fog doesn't mar it's beauty), the sunsets glorious, and the family time we get to spend together rich and plentiful.
When I was young, I took my family time for granted. Now, I know what I had is a rare gift. Not everyone has a family that actually enjoys gathering in a house where they can't help but get in each others ways, where the grandparents are involved and truly love you, and your aunts and uncles and cousins are fun to be around.
It is of extreme importance to me now to make time for my family to get away together and enjoy each others company in a place other than our house, because it was something that was a priority to my dad's side of the family. I am thankful for the getaways we had growing up!
Grandpa Bob always adored the beach, so that was usually the backdrop for many vacations we took as a family. He took me on my first low tide explorations, discovering crabs, sand dollars, sea anemones, and starfish in every vivid color. He'd take them out of the sandy water like treasures from a treasure chest and crouch down so that we could touch them in his hand. It was as if he was seeing them for the first time too, through our virginal eyes, and everything was so wonderful and new!
My dad also played a huge part in my passion for sojourning. He took us to the most amazing, gorgeous places to camp as we were growing up. The Redwoods, Big Sur, and Yosemite to hike all around the forestry terrain. We drank from cool fresh streams, we set up tents together, and heard bears rummaging in the middle of the night in our campsite, saw snakes and different types of woodland creatures, smelled the different scents of the land, musky and damp in the forest with brilliant ferns and mosses, we discovered waterfalls together and wildflowers and beauty.
He too loved seeing things through our childish eyes, all of the things he'd seen before, now seeing them amaze and awe us kids to silence or excitement.
I want that for my kids too! I want them to discover the beauty this earth we live on has to offer, all of God's intricate masterpieces in nature, all of the feelings seeing something fresh stir up within a child, and in me.
Looking back, I don't recall my dad having a ton of money to squander away on these excursions, he (being the terrific financier that he is) most likely saved up for these trips for months before we'd go, so that we could have all the fun we wanted when on them. I don't want to waste time saying,"When we have the money, we'll do this, or that" I want to seize the day and forage ahead in unexplored land (at least unexplored by me, not man, haha, I am not that crazy) and I want to give my kids the gift of seeing the many things this world has to offer in the form of beauty.
This is my prayer today.

New Clothes

2009-11-14T12:44:00.000-08:00

"I delight greatly in the Lord;
My soul rejoices in my God.
For he has clothed me with garments
of salvation
and arrayed me in a robe of
righteousness,
as a bridegroom adorns his head
like a priest,
and as a bride adorns herself
with her jewels."
~~Isaiah 61:0~~

clothes:
plural noun clothing, wear, dress, gear (informal), habits, get-up (informal), outfit, costume, threads (slang), wardrobe, ensemble, garments, duds (informal), apparel, clobber (Brit. slang), attire, garb, togs (informal), vestments, glad rags (informal), raiment (archaic or poetic), rigout (informal) He was dressed in casual clothes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
We feasted on delicious victuals & libations, and had the most enriching and wonderful fellowship last night with some good (albeit new) friends and their precious family. The men joyfully played their instruments while us ladies looked on.
I was broken by their kindness and generosity. They have just gone through an unspeakable tragedy and yet they entertained us with the best of cuisine and hospitality. The peace of the Lord was in their home so thickly, I could feel Him watching over us and sense His angels on high keeping charge of this family and the atmosphere within their rooms.
Harmony came home with the most beautiful items that I can just see she treasures. The things given to her mean so much because I know they were given at a high price, and we didn't take that lightly.
It caused me to think about the new clothes that were given us at the time of our salvation, and again shall be given us when we enter Heaven and are adorned in white like Him. He esteems these garments with a high alliance. It welds us to Him in purity when we step into the new clothes of righteousness. We are all at once white as snow, our sins forgiven and as far as the East is from the West. It's incredible.
Maybe this is a strange correlation, but that's okay, it's my blog...and my head can be strange. I am so thankful for these friends, and for God's righteousness that he freely imparts to us, so I knew I had to write about it. There.
LOVE->> annie

Bickers

2009-11-13T13:27:00.000-08:00

The worst sort of day is when Chris has a rare day off and rather than enjoy each others company, we end up bickering about petty issues and ruining the atmosphere with our words and attitudes. Our kids suffer (Harmony the little peacemaker tries to resolve everything by saying to us,"Why are you guys fighting? Please don't fight. Mommy, be nice to Daddy. Daddy, be nice to Mommy.")It's seems so simple to our daughter to just be nice and get along, but to us in the moment, it is complicated and the walls fly up.
Chris is almost always the one who comes to me to resolve things by communication. For some reason I just want to wallow in self-pity and anger for far longer than he, but he doesn't allow me to do that. He comes to me and embraces me, or if the situation isn't at that point yet, he soothes me with his words like David calmed Saul with his lyre and musical gift.
Often, it is a spiritual attack on our marriage, and when he comes and puts his arm around me and prays, the hardness around my heart and his is softened and melts away. It's as if I can immediately breathe easier, see more clearly, and my heart resigns itself to forgiveness rather than bitterness and playing the offense over and over in my head like a broken record of despair.
It is amazing what prayer can accomplish when we stop in the chaotic times that surely come, and turn our thoughts and hearts to Him in need. Everything can change, and often does. His mercy sweeps in, His light of clarity shines in, and all the untruths fall to the wayside. I love Jesus for these reasons. He remedies every complicated trial, even if it is not in the way we think it should come. His peace is everything to me, and on the days when I have none, those are the worst days.
"Seek peace and pursue it"...This I will do with all my heart...when I remember that is:)

Peacemakers

2009-11-10T12:04:00.000-08:00

"But the wisdom that is from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, willing to yield, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy. Now the fruit of righteousness is sown in peace by those who make peace." ~James 3:17

Sometimes I just get one word in my mind and I'll go to my study Bible and reference the word to see what verse pops out at me. Today the word was, obviously, peacemakers. I think it came into my mind because I know a lot of Christians who thrive on the opposite: stirring up strife and conflict. I don't like being that way, perhaps due to my extreme anxiety over becoming defensive and hostile rather than listening to others points of views and being loving. What is accomplished by putting people in the defense and making them angry? Nothing. I think it's great when people enjoy a healthy debate over opinions, but when it comes down to it, if your drive behind the debate is to make the other person share your opinion, than it is worthless!
I love the verse that says,"The goodness of God leads (us) to repentance." It is love, and kindness, not arguments and opinionated jargon, that will bring others into belief and understanding.
Being a peacemaker is key to the goodness of God. Jesus was the epitome of peace in a human. (albeit God inhabiting Him as well...) Everywhere He went, though He spoke the truth, He also listened and chose the least conflicting path of communication to resolve matters of utmost difficulty. It was a gift.
"Pursue peace with all people, and holiness, without which no one will see the Lord..."....No one will SEE the Lord unless we acquire this gift of peacemaking!
"Blessed are the peacemakers, For they shall be called sons of God." I want to be called a "son", or daughter. By being a peacemaker, we become like Him, and He is pleased to call us His own. We glorify Him truly when we strive to make peace abound wherever we go, wherever we dwell.
I was at the grocery store the other day, with my young friend Beckah, and I had accidentally gotten into the Family Friendly 12 items only lane with about 20 items. It was a complete oversight. I was in the middle of autographing my check, groceries bagged, when I heard a grumbling voice behind me in line say,"That sure is a lot of 12 items." I smiled, thinking he was joking, and turned towards the old man who had uttered the words. "I don't know why that's funny." He said. I looked up at the sign above our heads, and sure enough, I WAS in the 12 items or less line. My immediate reaction was to ignore the man (who kept going on, angrily escalating in what he was saying) and run out the door with my stuff. But I turned to him politely and replied,"You know what, you are totally right. I didn't realize I was in the 12 items line. I am so sorry." He looked down, and averted his grumbling to the checker, who said to him, "I am in customer service, sir, I will help the customers in my line." To which he replied,"Well then why am I not being HELPED??" and she said, "She's writing her check and then I will help you.." He was so mad! I attempted to be a peacemaker, and I am sure it could've been worse had I not. But it doesn't always yield rewards when we sow peace, we just know later when we have that sense of God's pleasing eye on us, that we went the right way (and for me, that can be monumental.)
I want to be a peacemaker wherever I go, if only to know that in some small way, I am channeling Christ's pure attitude in my own fallen flesh. This is enough for today.

The sky is a grey backdrop today

2009-11-09T09:42:00.000-08:00

It's one of those days where the sky is entirely grey with no visible pockets of blue or even cloud. It is like living in gravy. Still, it is pretty, and my heart awoke this morning thankful for breath and warmth and life. My daughter ran into my room as she almost always does each morning, and the first thing out of her mouth was, "Good morning mommy, I love you." Today I heard it more clearly, I think. My little girl loves me! She may not always say that to me first thing when we wake up. It was precious, and it made me want to tell my Daddy, Jesus, "Good morning, I LOVE you!" Because I know He would be just as enamored by my saying it as I was to hear my daughter say it to me.
ANd then my 3 year old little guy walked into the room and said, "I pooped." (in his pants...) and the lovefest took a new spin......

Friends

2009-11-07T11:50:00.000-08:00

I am one of those people who are just better one on one, I think. I get really ADD when there is a lot of conversation carrying on around me. I love quality time with a good friend that I enjoy listening to and vice versa. Last night, that friend was Anna. We had a good time out at Anthony's (even thought the coconut shrimp was bland and soggy and the lettuce was wilted...) our conversation was more than enough. It's so nice for moms to get out once in awhile and be human (as opposed to animals caged in their homes?? haha) and talk intelligibly.
My friend Beckah is only 17 but she and I have so much fun together. She knows I am a total homebody, so she comes to visit me at my house quite a bit and bring me good laughs and conversation. I really don't know what I would do without her friendship and company in my life. In contrast, I have a friend named Martha who is in her 50's now, and when I lived in California, we'd have tea, and converse and enjoy rainy days together in coffeehouses, and generally just be women together. I love the diversity in age that my friends can have. I would be miserable if I was bordered in to only having friends in my age group. How boring! ALthough I deeply enjoy my friends in my age group, it is so interesting to get perspective from other generations as well. Martha had led such a rich life full of trials, and made it out the other end with wisdom and joy in her outlook. I needed to experience her perspective. It grows my faith to rub iron against iron in my friendships.
I am thankful for old friends who know everything about me, like Jillian and Lisa and Kate. I am thankful for new friends like Abby and Shannon, Heather and Hattie, who's love of the Lord and genuine faith reflect in their lives and light up any room they walk into. I am grateful for my young friends, Beckah and McKenna and CC, who keep tings fresh and are at life's threshhold, just plunging in to the newness of adulthood. They make me take things less seriously, and laugh more.
And I am thankful for my seasoned friends, like my mom and Martha and Sue, and Donna, whom I would run to in my deepest trials, because I know they'd pray with me and give me good advice.

Fresh Hearts

2009-11-05T08:43:00.000-08:00

I heard the expression recently "keep your heart green", meaning: Stay fresh in the Lord. To do this we have to read His Word daily, pray, worship, put on the full armor of God, walk in love, afresh every day. Yesterday's manna won't do for today.
I am not writing this because I have come close to perfecting this action in my life, but because I am inspired to do so. When I take time to be filled each day anew, my day turns out better, simply stated. I am filled with way more joy in the trials, I have much more peace, I am not as short with my children, and I am excited about where my life is going and who is in it. On the flip side, when I rely on yesterday's faith to get me thru today, I fail at life. That sounds terrible, but really, I am a really incomplete person without God's grace and His indwelling every single day. I am prone to anger and isolation, and even selfishness. I am a crabby mother, and a crabby wife. All I want to do all day when I am in my fleshliness, is sit around catering to my own needs.
Not that I have time to do that, but it is my desire, and my children or my husband get my bad attitude while I do things for them, rather than a happy heart that is willing to do things out of love for them.
I want to have a fresh, green heart every day. So with that, I should go be with Him now. I leave you with this quote: "Give God the fresh blossom of the day. Never make Him wait until the petals have faded."

Humble Beginnings

2009-11-04T09:55:00.000-08:00

I was thinking last night as I laid in bed, right after I turned off the light and put down my book, that it has already been 6 and a half years since Chris and I said our vows on our wedding day on that warm breezy day in June. It seems like we were the newlyweds just yesterday, the ones everybody thought were so young and just starting out.
I thought I could start out this blog by telling about our trail so far down the road of life, love, marriage, imperfections, and family. It has been a good one, and a difficult one, but as Chris says, it could always be worse.
Chris and I met at a Bible study in Santa Maria, CA. I was a single mom, he was a single dad, and I am sure to the outside eye it could've seemed like one of two things: ideal, or implausible. In fact, we both recall a few people saying things to us such as, "who will pay the bills?" and "where will you live?" But we didn't care! As soon as our friendship turned to love, all we cared about was being together, forever, and walking that path together was all we thought about.
God made things fall into place very quickly from that point and our dating term was only around 4 months long, before I was in the midst of planning a simple but lovely wedding for us. Our counselor's only concern was that we both seemed to have on rose-colored glasses when it came to seeing each other. But I think it had to start out like that for us, we had both been so hurt in past relationships, that it was refreshing to have my beloved incapable of wrongdoing (although the wake up call to reality came soon after we married!).
We lived with my dad for three months before finding a cheap apartment right in the ghetto of Santa Maria. We didn't see it as some junky place though, we felt so blessed to have our first little place together! Our Christmas tree that first year was one we called a Charlie Brown tree.
Everything began so simple and our faith grew rapidly in those first years together, because everything above the ordinary seemed like a miracle. And it was.
This is all for now, I will write more later.