Who is this girl? How do others see me? I am genuinely intrigued. Am I seen as I myself see me? I am a very harsh critic and in the mirror often what is reflected back to my perspective is an okay looking woman with deepening smile and frown lines, big teeth and an imperfect body. A mind that not many see or take the time to see. A wife of someone who gets a lot of attention because of his talents..and here I am in the shadows.
I started to envision in my mind, a perfect line of planters in a window box. Each pot was filled heartily with soil, some rich and dark and others dry. All of them were getting ready to sprout something from the soil. Some sprung up with beautiful lavender, canary yellow, or bright red flowers, which took over the planter with vibrant color and beauty which caused delight to the eyes to see. I immediately wanted to be one of the planters which held these luscious flowers in them, because they were pretty and everyone wanted to look at them. They brought immediate, external pleasure, and it seemed to me that this would be the favored way to be.
Some of the planters sprung up with weeds and I knew I didn't want to be those ones. Others remained empty. I knew instinctively that though I desired to be one of the ones that held the flowers, I was one of the ones with nothing to show yet in it. It grieved me deeply, and I wanted to cry, until I started hearing consoling words in my mind. "There is much beneath the soil that cannot be seen yet."
It is not much consolation, but it is something. Maybe nothing. Maybe someday. I know that one time I recall hearing the Lord tell me I was His swan. He said I was a late bloomer. I will hold on to that.
In the mean time I pray that I will find peace in the life of a quiet observer and supporter of my husband and my kids, and I will never, ever stop writing. It is what I know. It is what I love. And someday, I WILL write books and they will be published. Even if I am 90 when it happens.
"Who can find a virtuous and capable wife?
ReplyDeleteShe is more precious than rubies. Her husband can trust her, and she will greatly enrich his life." Prov 31:10
I immediately thought of this verse when I read your post. I have always known this to be true of you.I am highly blessed to be your husband, and I'm not blind. I get that from outsiders who don't even know me or you. They take one look at you and then at me and it's proof to them that the nerd always gets the girl. I think your analogy of the soil is powerful, but if you don't mind my love, I see another perspective on your vision. Those pots that you see, are the way you view yourself. Contained within the tiny perimeter of a plastic jar. Though it may be beautiful to look at, you are not meant for a jar. I don't see you as that and I know God sees doesn't see you that way either. Here's proof:
" The LORD will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered GARDEN, like a spring whose waters never fail." You are a garden my love. Beauty is hardly the right word to describe who you are and who you will become.
Yet, I do think it is true though that you have yet to blossom and flourish..but I feel like Spring in coming soon for you. Not at 90.
I love you so much. You are perfection to me Please look in the right mirror :)
You bless me so much. I don't know what Id do without you. Best. Husband. Ever. xoxo
DeleteAnnie....You precious woman. Beautiful, unique, deeply intelligent creation of the Father.
ReplyDeleteI know why you did not see yourself in the pots..yes Chis is correct you are not meant for a pot for great oaks are not meant to fit into a pot their roots run too deep and would only cast a shadow on those flowers. You are not on hold Annie you are growing deep roots my friend you are growing and flourishing, do not discount the day of small things. Use these days to find as much beauty in simplicity that you can. Store up your treasure in the heavens, do not wait for your day of glory for today may be all you have! Please, please learn to use today to bring glory to the father in Heaven for our lives were and are meant first and foremost to glorify him. We are but earthen vessels, nothing without His beauty! The best stories in life are built from the best experiences...right! So go experience life right now, let us be those old ladies that tell of a great rich life full of Gods greatness! I love you dear friend!!
Abby, Thank you for always encouraging me along my way. It makes all the difference in my life to have friends like you. No one could take your place in my heart. Love you.
DeleteYou, my friend are far from a failure. You will have your book someday, I'm sure of it. But along the way I want to assure you that your time and talents haven't been wasted. I'm living proof. You and the rest of your beautiful family came into my life when I needed you all the most. I steadfastly believe that I wouldn't be who I am right now if it hadn't been for you all, and I can't thank you enough for that.
ReplyDeleteBeckah Delery.... small friend... Becks.. B-Funk. I think you are one of the most awesome people I have ever met. You are such an individual and I hope all of my children inherit the ability from their Big Sis (you) to not care about what your peers think because you know that you are special and you don't need to impress anyone with being something you're not because what you are is so great and admirable. Your relationship with the Lord has inspired me on many occasions. Thank YOU for encouraging me and being a constant in my life. I love ya
ReplyDeleteoops, that was me, Annie up there commenting. Dont know why it said him...he must not have signed out or something;)
ReplyDeleteAnnie, you are such a beautiful writer. You capture so well what many women feel. Keep writing lady, the readers will come.
ReplyDeleteI just saw this!! Thank you Alyssa! Love!
DeleteAnnie,
ReplyDeleteI was reading through some of your first blogs, and it occurred to me that you are well on your way to writing your book. When a writer writes, they paint a picture for the audience that is uniquely them. You have, and you do. If your blogs continue to be so heartfelt, touching our lives in an awe inspiring way, then they are chapters, aren't they? You might consider re-reading a few yourself, and begin your journey on the road you are on already. Just a thought for such a wonderful spirit filled woman...Love you!
Thank you mil for your lovely encouragements always! You're so kind to me & you give me fuel when I am low:) love you lots Barb!!!
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