Sandcastle

Am I a writer or do I just enjoy scribbling my thoughts on paper as a form of feeling real? Am I good enough as a mom and a wife, or do I have to find some other passion so that I am better in this life? I have been asking myself this question: Why do we as humans NEED to have titles to feel accomplished and a sense of belonging to one group or another? It is curious. My husband has been going from Spirit-filled worship leader to doubting to atheist to questioning to?? For years now, as I ride the roller coaster of his mind wanderings and sometimes mockeries on my steadfast faith in God I have had time to wonder about many things and why we do certain things, and if it is indeed healthy or not. I have observed as he lamented over feeling dis-included from certain groups of friends and invitations merely because of his unbelief. At first I was hurt and aimed my hurt at him. After all, HE was the one who was making these decisions and making them so very public, right? But then I grew curious. WHY? Why, if we call ourselves TRUE friends would we stop associating with someone who was either questioning or hurting or even striking out? Are we not to befriend and remain? I want answers. I suppose we are all people who want to be with others who believe just like us, because it makes us feel safe. We can reside in padded little bubbles of our own associations, affirmed and reaffirmed that we are in the right and everyone on the outside of our belief system is incorrect. Maybe we don't even realize we are doing it. I know I didn't until my husband began this journey. I have gone through every emotion a human can possibly experience in this situation. It may not seem like a big deal to some but to me it has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. And also the best.

I have felt betrayal, intense anger, sorrow to the point of despair at the brokenness of no longer being able to connect on a spiritual level with my best friend. I've felt like giving up and throwing in the towel in the hopes that that would give me reprieve. And then realized that more than anything would kill me. I had to bury the man I thought I loved and re-ignite a fire of love for the man I am now married to. This may sound dramatic, but it has been true. It would not be fair to expect him, if I truly loved him for life, to be the man he once was when it was entirely impossible. It's more than a choice, these life changes are inevitable, just maybe not always to this degree... At first it started with me choosing to keep the vow. The vow I made at an altar where I promised to love him in good times and bad. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part. I took and take these promises very seriously, in a world where these fragmented sentences are used flippantly by people who try to make things work but give up when it gets hard. Things have gotten more than hard in our marriage. They've gotten downright constricting. And don't get me wrong, I have considered and weighed all alternatives. I could say that it's a good thing we are both very stubborn people who came from broken families, and our willpower alone has been the driving force to keep us together when it would seem there is nothing to talk about, or that the awkwardness of not seeing eye to eye on huge issues attempted to tear us apart, and almost did many times. I feel it is something even more. I feel powerful that against all odds, we remain, and have gotten to a place through the opposition and defensive emotions, where we can almost talk about anything candidly without getting too bent out of shape. The storms have swept over us, over this castle we have built with our own hands, out of love and memories and shared likes and concerns and passions, and we stand. 

It is no small thing in this day when a marriage remains when everyone or everything tells you to flee, and longtime friends desert you, or stray from your daily life because it's too uncomfortable for them to bend or change or try to see things from someone else's point of view. I am so thankful that we have experienced all that we have. Because it has proven to me that I am strong. Yes, God in me is strong. I have stood still when everything within me instinctively wanted to take flight and run to the furthest corners of the earth at what I could not comprehend. It has also taught me to question the titles and stereotypes that we place ourselves under like a shield. Yes, I call myself a Christian, I do not deny this. I call myself married. I call myself many things that I guess one cannot help but call oneself in an attempt to define who I am. But the things like not feeling good enough unless I'm accomplished as a "something" such as writer, artist, etc. I won't do anymore. The other day my husband said to me,"I don't know what I am." and everything within me just thought,"You don't have to! Just BE. You are perfect, and there is more to be revealed." What a wild journey we are on, to learn to love..Unconditionally (what does THAT mean? without condition...no matter what). To  befriend..Steadfastly. That means when things get rough or those you love grow confused or change or drift or strike out in hurt, you don't leave. You dig in your heals, you push back your sleeves, and you embrace. You get closer, so that that person who is searching for the answers to mysterious questions that none of us have solid answers to feel the warmth of our presence and know in some small way that they are not alone. That's all we really want anyways, is not to feel alone. Not to be deserted when we differ from the crowd. Not to be ostracized when we straggle from some path of assurance. It's hard to see God. He's invisible. But it's easy to see people. And we can show God to people who have had temporary blindness. We show them with our kindness. With our friendship. With talking and not growing angry when they don't come to the same conclusions. By extending our hand and holding theirs. This is love that covers and unites and sees past titles to faces and to hearts. This is love like Jesus loves.

After thought: I just want to add that though it may sound like I am trying to trump my wifely accomplishments in "Remaining" in my marriage as though it is a duty, that is the farthest thing from the truth. It is a joy and an honor to be Chris's wife. He is an amazingly sensitive, talented, deep human who still "gets me" more than anyone else on this earth. He is my best friend and it is easy and a delight being by his side in this world no matter our differences. I am grateful, in all ways that he has also remained with me though I am not always a picnic to be married to. It is such a privilege to be chosen not just once, enough to be proposed to, or to be vowed to on our wedding day, but the fact that he picks me every day to love and be with astounds me. If you read this, my love, this is what I want you to know: Thank you. For being mine and letting me remain yours. x