Some people were born into families that were Catholic or Christian, and fanatical about it. Or they were born into a family where the people were Atheist, or Buddhist, or whatever. I was born into a family that believed in God, and to some degree went to church and enforced loose rules of following Jesus. But then both my dad and mom went their own ways for awhile, so I was left to make my own decisions regarding faith.
I believed in a Higher Power, and believed always that some ONE had to have created our complex earth and all that thrived, good or bad, upon it. It's just that my view of WHO it was varied over the years of searching.
When I was little, I just believed that I was being watched over. When I was a teenager, I got into drugs, and I KNEW I was being watched. I felt the eyes even, or especially, when I was high on acid or some horrible hallucinogen that I thought I'd never come down from. They were not eyes of judgment, but they did not approve of what I was doing to myself. They were not eyes of anger, but they had a better plan for my body than the destruction I was reigning on my self. I recall looking in the mirror many times, high on something, hardly there on earth, and seeing this face, desperate for something to ground me, to shoot an arrow through the kite I was flying on in the winds of what I called adventure but now know to be a downward torrent of pain and self-destruction. I know that it was this lifestyle that brought me to my knees quicker than could have been the case. For me, drugs opened up my spiritual eyes to see the great evil that ruled that world. Many times I saw the darkness as if it were the reality, and I knew God was beckoning me to the light.
I am not a Christian because that is what I flocked to first. I am because I searched out all other pathways and asked God to show me His ultimate way. I was at one point avidly into astrology, and followed it as if it was a bible of guidance for my entire life. Pathetic, I know.
I was also very intrigued by witchcraft. I tinkered with Buddhism. I thought I could get away with "spirituality", in other words, just believing half-truths about Jesus being a good man, and being a good person who lived a life full of good deeds...lots of "good" in an otherwise jaded, rusting world. The only reason I am a Christian, to begin with, is that when I'd lay in my bed at night and assess my lifepath, I'd feel this rushing sense of un-peace. Like I wasn't quite there. I was close, but He had a better way. It turns out it is a better way, even though it is a narrow path. He led me into the fullness of His truth, and it was all the words of the Bible. The Jesus of the Bible. The One who said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." In John 14.
I am a Christian because it is the only way my soul found peace, true, unfettered, restful peace that flowed into my soul like liquid gold in the form of endless love, endless grace, mercy, and an empowerment I never thought I would have.
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Claustrophobia
Beckah came over yesterday, and we decided, since it was free day at the High Desert Museum, that we would venture there and have a fun day exploring the wonders there. BOY did we misjudge....we got there and there were cars and different vehicles parked all along the driveway up to the actual parking lot, but we persevered and found a spot close to the entrance. People were pouring into it like it was...free....oh yeah.
We stayed maybe an hour, and many things were not a possibility due to the CRAZY amount of humans swarming the place. I felt what it must feel lie to be an ant in an anthill. SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE......
In the inside division of the museum, there are all of these 1800's displays, and usually it is my favorite part (besides the otter, of course...it's name is Thomas and he's usually so playful and happy-go-lucky you cannot help but giggle at his antics..) but the inside was so congested with people, and it's pretty dark in there, that I immediately started getting a panic attack and hyperventilating from Claustrophobia, that we hunted out the nearest exit and took it. It led us straight through the butterfly exhibit, which would have been so awesome, if the volunteers hadn't just gone on their smoke break, filling the already 85 degree (yes. Hot as HELL, after being used to 35-45 degree weather this Winter) with the stench of cigarette smoke in the misty and coagulated room. We bolted towards the doors to the outside division of the museum, and AHHHH, filled our lungs with the sweet scent of pine and chill weather (although warmish compared to our current weather, according to Becks, "A heat wave!" haha.)
and the sweetest scent of all...no squealing children, shoving parents, shuffling feet of the elderly, etc.
I HATE crowds!!!!
It could have been a really fun time...IF there were not so many humans. I know that may sound cold-hearted, but c'mon, I think as people, we all share one common-thread...We all enjoy the expanse of being one of few people within a space so that we don't have to fight for our air supply and elbow room. It's not too cold-hearted to want the foot space to be able to walk freely where you want to go without standing in a huge line. It's just the way we are.
That said, it was really cool of the High Desert Museum to have a free-day, it was just overrated, I think I would definitely prefer to pay the over-priced fee to go in, if I can walk through the place without worrying about losing my 4-year old in a crowd of thousands. Just sayin......
We stayed maybe an hour, and many things were not a possibility due to the CRAZY amount of humans swarming the place. I felt what it must feel lie to be an ant in an anthill. SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE......
In the inside division of the museum, there are all of these 1800's displays, and usually it is my favorite part (besides the otter, of course...it's name is Thomas and he's usually so playful and happy-go-lucky you cannot help but giggle at his antics..) but the inside was so congested with people, and it's pretty dark in there, that I immediately started getting a panic attack and hyperventilating from Claustrophobia, that we hunted out the nearest exit and took it. It led us straight through the butterfly exhibit, which would have been so awesome, if the volunteers hadn't just gone on their smoke break, filling the already 85 degree (yes. Hot as HELL, after being used to 35-45 degree weather this Winter) with the stench of cigarette smoke in the misty and coagulated room. We bolted towards the doors to the outside division of the museum, and AHHHH, filled our lungs with the sweet scent of pine and chill weather (although warmish compared to our current weather, according to Becks, "A heat wave!" haha.)
and the sweetest scent of all...no squealing children, shoving parents, shuffling feet of the elderly, etc.
I HATE crowds!!!!
It could have been a really fun time...IF there were not so many humans. I know that may sound cold-hearted, but c'mon, I think as people, we all share one common-thread...We all enjoy the expanse of being one of few people within a space so that we don't have to fight for our air supply and elbow room. It's not too cold-hearted to want the foot space to be able to walk freely where you want to go without standing in a huge line. It's just the way we are.
That said, it was really cool of the High Desert Museum to have a free-day, it was just overrated, I think I would definitely prefer to pay the over-priced fee to go in, if I can walk through the place without worrying about losing my 4-year old in a crowd of thousands. Just sayin......
Friday, January 21, 2011
Once upon a time there was a girl...
So, it may be hard for some to imagine this, but once, I was a girl who was young, and carefree and full of dreams. Lately I have been feeling like a washed-out, exhausted, dreamless, hopeless mother and wife with no imagination.
I mean lately, as in, the last couple of years. But in the last month or so, I feel that I am returning to my roots, and starting to dream again, and hope, and have some pretty crazy faith. I believe that it was on hold because I wasn't creatively and passionately seeking after my Jesus. He is really the dream-bestower, the hope-renewer, and the faith-infiltrator. I have been attempting to gather up my energy and pour it more fully into serving Him. Obeying His voice, listening for the quiet instruction, and going where He leads. I want to be on an adventure in this life, and I know I can only truly embark on this adventure if I allow Him to be the guide and one who forges ahead of me.
I have heard many exploits and endeavors, by people who allow the Holy Spirit to lead them wherever they go, and I want that badly! Graham Cooke is one of those people, he is plunging ahead and going where many have not dared to go, and I want to be ready at Christ's command, whether it be into the dark alleys to shed some light, or down the street to a lonely neighbor's house to bring some cookies and conversation. I long to be less internal and more loving outwardly.
This will only be good and lasting if I first give my efforts and energy to Jesus as an offering of worship from my firstfruits. He is worthy of the first of our finances, the first of our time, and the first of our outpouring of life each day.
So, whoever is my friend and loves me, will hold me accountable to this calling. True worship is placing Him first, and my greatest desire as a human and Christ-follower, is to be a true worshiper. I love Him, and I want it to show. amen?
I mean lately, as in, the last couple of years. But in the last month or so, I feel that I am returning to my roots, and starting to dream again, and hope, and have some pretty crazy faith. I believe that it was on hold because I wasn't creatively and passionately seeking after my Jesus. He is really the dream-bestower, the hope-renewer, and the faith-infiltrator. I have been attempting to gather up my energy and pour it more fully into serving Him. Obeying His voice, listening for the quiet instruction, and going where He leads. I want to be on an adventure in this life, and I know I can only truly embark on this adventure if I allow Him to be the guide and one who forges ahead of me.
I have heard many exploits and endeavors, by people who allow the Holy Spirit to lead them wherever they go, and I want that badly! Graham Cooke is one of those people, he is plunging ahead and going where many have not dared to go, and I want to be ready at Christ's command, whether it be into the dark alleys to shed some light, or down the street to a lonely neighbor's house to bring some cookies and conversation. I long to be less internal and more loving outwardly.
This will only be good and lasting if I first give my efforts and energy to Jesus as an offering of worship from my firstfruits. He is worthy of the first of our finances, the first of our time, and the first of our outpouring of life each day.
So, whoever is my friend and loves me, will hold me accountable to this calling. True worship is placing Him first, and my greatest desire as a human and Christ-follower, is to be a true worshiper. I love Him, and I want it to show. amen?
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Crap Storm
Life at present is a swirling turbulent storm of poo. It is as difficult as can be, the trials squeezing me into a pulp. I am in a corner, trapped, but the Lord is still sovereign, and He will be victorious. Right now, even though I believe that, I am fighting off discouragement and weariness. It seems like the attack on our finances is a vice-grip that keeps getting tighter and tighter, threatening to pop the head off of me and destroy me, but this too shall pass. Right?
I will praise You in this storm.
"Wherever God's finger points, His hand will clear a way."
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-18
He is my help, my eyes are on Him, He is teaching me to trust even though all feels lost. He is teaching me to be content in every situation. To sing and praise Him even though I feel like weeping. This may sound dramatic, but there are so many varying things that have gone on in the past month, (actually, five months, but who's counting? ha.) that I can't even write about on here. People keep telling me there is a season of rest and good things coming, and I will hope for the best. Thanks for reading, and praying, if you think of us. Blessings.
I will praise You in this storm.
"Wherever God's finger points, His hand will clear a way."
Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-18
He is my help, my eyes are on Him, He is teaching me to trust even though all feels lost. He is teaching me to be content in every situation. To sing and praise Him even though I feel like weeping. This may sound dramatic, but there are so many varying things that have gone on in the past month, (actually, five months, but who's counting? ha.) that I can't even write about on here. People keep telling me there is a season of rest and good things coming, and I will hope for the best. Thanks for reading, and praying, if you think of us. Blessings.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Sorrow & Joy
The most obvious example of sorrow and joy to me is marriage. There are so many things that can bring you either. I am so in love with my husband, more so today than when we first said our vows. He is my best friend, and when anything is wrong, I feel it in my own heart. Sounds strange, but anyone who is married to their best friend knows exactly what I am talking about.
Because we have a roaring enemy that prowls about seeking how to destroy us, and our marriages, I am finding I need to step up my prayer life.
I find joy when we laugh about things only we can laugh about together. I find sorrow when there are things he thinks he can't share with me. I find joy when he is home on a Sunday and we snuggle up together and there is nothing to fight about. There is sorrow when he is gone for hours and days and I feel far away from him because I haven't heard his voice in my ear, or felt his hand in mine. I never knew, not even when I first married Chris, that I could love someone this much. There is a verse in Song of Solomon, and he read it to me when we were engaged. It says,"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." S of S 8:6-7.
What a powerful entry! My heart is feeling the full effect of this today. Love is stronger than death.
Because we have a roaring enemy that prowls about seeking how to destroy us, and our marriages, I am finding I need to step up my prayer life.
I find joy when we laugh about things only we can laugh about together. I find sorrow when there are things he thinks he can't share with me. I find joy when he is home on a Sunday and we snuggle up together and there is nothing to fight about. There is sorrow when he is gone for hours and days and I feel far away from him because I haven't heard his voice in my ear, or felt his hand in mine. I never knew, not even when I first married Chris, that I could love someone this much. There is a verse in Song of Solomon, and he read it to me when we were engaged. It says,"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." S of S 8:6-7.
What a powerful entry! My heart is feeling the full effect of this today. Love is stronger than death.
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