Why so intense?

Last night:
I hear the sound of the clock, ticking
My heart, beating
My tears, falling
The subtle sound of people, sleeping
Shifting, breathing
Time is a ruthless force, never ending
Life is sorrow and disappointment mingled in my cup
Time is coming to an end
The sound of weeping
A sea of tears we swim in
Forced smiles, liquidated dreams
Placed these flowers of desire in a bottle
In a book, and pressed the pages shut
Flattened like the tires of a vehicle that was on its way
To places in one's mind, travelings stunted
A person never met
Left at the station surrounded by faces but completely alone
I go alone, though I am with you
An isolated path, sounds in my ears
Then silence

Today:
Life is NOW
I am born today and my life starts now
The grass is fresh, the clouds are overhead
The sun streams in like rainbows through a prism
Into my windows, the light in my soul
Here it begins, the plunge, the force
The joy of breath, the excitement of unwritten pages
White but waiting the black of ink
The story, still untold but anticipated
Anything you want, behold
The eye on the prize
Your dreams an egg uncracked
The bliss of expectancy
A newborn bird with wings unfolded
Standing at the edge of the branch,
Ready to take the chance
Will these wings fly?
Or will I fall
Fail
Break once again
The chance is here
Will I take it?
Perfect love casting out fear
And when the feather is plucked
Floating in a spiral to the floor of the forest
I soar, not looking back to the nest
The jumping off place of nevermore.

Contrast. Emotionalism. Last night, I wept uncontrollably, my tears wet my face as if I had jumped into the depth of a lake and splashed there awhile in my own despair. Life feels over, like I had lost my chance and given up.
Today, fresh feelings, fresh start, optimism beneath my wings, and I am prepared, the voice within me says,"You stand, cornered, terrified to go out of My will, but every endeavor you make is in Me. Perfect love casts out all fear. You go, I am with you. If you, in your path were to go astray, I would gently let you know. Live the life of purpose you are meant to live. Go, and I go with you."
Last night I was held down by my sorrow over disconnections felt in my soul because my husband and I are on such different pages, so I over-analyze and weave myself a web so tight and daunting that I have trapped myself and made myself the prey, unknowingly preparing the feast which is me.
Eating myself for dinner, in self-pity. How disgusting. How ridiculous. But how real the dark is in those moments: a cave with no light streaming in. I do not enjoy it. It does not feed some sick little joy within me. It is blackest black, curtains tight. Like a hearse. Ugh, here I go again sounding suicidal or something. Nope. Just being real. Night is night, and day is day. Yesterday was depression. Today is light. Hope. Newness. Thank God. Morning brings me word of your unfailing love.
So now, to comprehend the fact that though I feel trapped {once again!}.. by my predicament, my lack of provision to move one way or another, walled in by limits, that this is not the truth. I was telling Chris yesterday that we are in a narrow place in the labyrinth, seemingly a dead end, but soon we will find that the wall is knocked down and behind it laid, all the time, a spacious place. We were trapped by our own limited understanding. I am not exactly saying that we make our own fate, but I am. I am not saying that what we speak into existence always comes to pass, but it can be true. I think we have many options, and a lot more freedom than I originally thought. As a man thinketh, so he is. If I think I will fail and my life be aborted and stagnant all of my days, then, yes, probably that is what will happen. Because eventually that mindset depicts everything you do or don't do. If I believe my life is starting to look up, and that many good things are in store for me, and I fill myself with this hope, turning my mind often to God and this expectancy, then it will do me all the better along the way, even if things don't get drastically better. I wish I was less stuck in the recesses of my mind, and more shallow sometimes, letting nothing bring me down ( which isn't shallow, I envy the ability to be a doer and a positive thinker. I often am not. )
Chris's favorite thing to say when I am in these dark moods,"Annie, Annie, where are you?" Because even I don't know how far into the forest of obsessive fretting I have ventured. Until I am sitting in that old familiar place of my own making, drenched in tears and empty of energy.
Stupid news, it gets me every time! I confess, and I know how gross this is, the other day I was curious about Jeffery Dahmer, so I went to his wikipedia page and started divulging all of the information, every grisly detail of his mental sickness and tendencies..... what a sad, demented soul he was. And then my mind starts the downward spiral of depression over mankind and where humanity is and is going, and I get saturated in it.
Happy thoughts! Go to your happy place! The things we meditate on or think about most is what is going to define us, most likely. If I fill my mind with peaceful, inspiring things, then maybe I will not go to these dark places quite so much.
I have strayed a bit from what I wanted to say here in this blog. I wanted to say that even though last night I felt sad and broken, today I am fueled by hope and expectancy. I refuse to be steeped in the slough of despair. I may get my shoes wet when I walk over it, but I plan to find the stepping stones that go over it, and through it rather than mired in it repeatedly.
So now, to extricate myself from the woven web, the cornered girl who finds she is only cornered by herself. I love that quote which says,"Indeed there is nothing God will not do for those who will dare to step out in faith onto what appears to be only a mist. As they take their first step, they will find a rock beneath their feet." F.B Meyer.