Storm Watching

This morning began a bit more frazzled than an ordinary day, due to having to take Chris to work because a large rainstorm is expected today! In California we get immensely excited over the notion of rainfall. How we need a good MONTH of rain here to water this land of drought and cause the grass to grow green for all of the poor thirsty woodland creatures devastating people's gardens in placement of their forest food, for the pretty flowers to spring up and color the roadsides, to fill the dried banks and rivers, streams and lakes that are bone dry. So we have been anticipating this storm since Sunday, seeing it on the weather horizon. We prayed for rain at church!
Today we awoke and I immediately peeked out of the blinds in my room to see if there was any progress, a huge downpour or at least storm clouds... hoping it wasn't going to be like an Elijah situation where we truly had to believe in faith that rain was coming. Thankfully, though there was little precipitation, the gray clouds had gathered and blocked out any smidgen of sunlight or blue sky, which loves to remain here in our new home.
So, I have been singing "Open the floodgates of heaven and let it rain!" intermittently today. All I want to do on this day is write, read, pray, maybe have some tea with cream, and storm watch. Bliss.
Some days I feel a tad guilty for my life which most of the time gives me great pleasure. I was thinking on Monday, after I dropped off the children at school and drove to San Luis Obispo to run some errands then on my way back, decided to stop at the beach to gaze from the sand at the waves and feel the sunshine and just relish sweet time, that I am SO thankful for my life which is terribly lacking in agenda currently....but that I am so content in. I started to feel a little guilty, and I talked to God a bit about this, and He said, "Rest. I want you to rest. There will be time to rush about and work, but this season is for soaking. So enjoy it." Ahhhh...well alright then, Abba. I will!!! I will enjoy lavishing in Your radiant presence and reaching out for You, knowing You are near. I will enjoy cleaning my house that never seems to get clean but only a little sparklier, I will enjoy my silence and writing, and planning meals for my sweet family, and thinking kind thoughts about people, loving our neighbors, I will enjoy this golden, glorious, season of autumn and  getting a little fatter than any other season because there is BAKING and eating and being happy.
I had been so downcast so much of the time, that I just feel so damn free to smile, and relinquish concerns (big and small) unto the much more able lap of the Lord. To trust. To sit. To know. And not to cry long hours anymore, at least for a while! I now fully see the rainbow, taste the goodness, though my answers to certain extremely important prayers have not come to pass yet, I know they will, and I have embraced the promise in place of the fact before my eyes...not in naivety or blindness, but in obedience, for this is what God has asked of me. Okay. So My heart soars. I am basking.

Eagles Fly Solo

I'm learning to be by myself. To be okay with hearing my own thoughts throughout the day and going places by myself. To recap, I have done this, and appeared normal, I assume, whilst going about these routine things, but inwardly was freaking out and totally not okay being by myself. At least especially while in places where other people were. It's ironic because I am not necessarily an extrovert at all. I am definitely more of an introvert. I like people, I do. But I am most refreshed while alone, in nature or in my house.
Maybe I am becoming more natural in this discovery because now, more than ever, I am aware of how not alone I am. I am comforted by the nearness of God, and the sense of His breath on my life like a sweet mist encompassing my every move. I sense His favor on me like a dew from heaven softly falling like a veil around me, yet not shrouding me in darkness or obscurity but a beautiful light surrounding me. I see His fingerprint everywhere I go. The breeze in the trees like His whisper blowing through the leaves, as the birds sing their chorus to Him. Such glory. The prism of colors painting the scenery like a brush of watercolors over a regular scenario, brightening and invigorating everything.
As I become more aware of Him in me and less aware of me, life is truly beautiful and worth living.
I am reminded that birds of a feather flock together, but eagles soar above and almost always solo. Even though they mate for life, rarely is that mate flying with them. Isaiah 40:31

The Greatest of These

Real love says, not, 'show me love and I will stay and love you', nor even 'I'm going to love you no matter what, so treat me well', BUT it says,"Do what you will to me,no matter what, I will ALWAYS love you. You are worth it."
You can spew hateful words at me. You can yell at me. You can put up seemingly impenetrable walls so that conversation is nearly impossible. Push me to the edge. Threaten my deepest core of faith. I will love you.
You are worth it.
This is what Jesus says to us. This is even what Jesus says to the lost. Do what you will, I will yet love you. You are Mine.
Real love is able to pervade through any wall, any hurt, any shell we place around ourselves. God is love, and we His people are to be merely spouts from His great, unlimited source.
Love today. You will not regret it.

Why so intense?

Last night:
I hear the sound of the clock, ticking
My heart, beating
My tears, falling
The subtle sound of people, sleeping
Shifting, breathing
Time is a ruthless force, never ending
Life is sorrow and disappointment mingled in my cup
Time is coming to an end
The sound of weeping
A sea of tears we swim in
Forced smiles, liquidated dreams
Placed these flowers of desire in a bottle
In a book, and pressed the pages shut
Flattened like the tires of a vehicle that was on its way
To places in one's mind, travelings stunted
A person never met
Left at the station surrounded by faces but completely alone
I go alone, though I am with you
An isolated path, sounds in my ears
Then silence

Today:
Life is NOW
I am born today and my life starts now
The grass is fresh, the clouds are overhead
The sun streams in like rainbows through a prism
Into my windows, the light in my soul
Here it begins, the plunge, the force
The joy of breath, the excitement of unwritten pages
White but waiting the black of ink
The story, still untold but anticipated
Anything you want, behold
The eye on the prize
Your dreams an egg uncracked
The bliss of expectancy
A newborn bird with wings unfolded
Standing at the edge of the branch,
Ready to take the chance
Will these wings fly?
Or will I fall
Fail
Break once again
The chance is here
Will I take it?
Perfect love casting out fear
And when the feather is plucked
Floating in a spiral to the floor of the forest
I soar, not looking back to the nest
The jumping off place of nevermore.

Contrast. Emotionalism. Last night, I wept uncontrollably, my tears wet my face as if I had jumped into the depth of a lake and splashed there awhile in my own despair. Life feels over, like I had lost my chance and given up.
Today, fresh feelings, fresh start, optimism beneath my wings, and I am prepared, the voice within me says,"You stand, cornered, terrified to go out of My will, but every endeavor you make is in Me. Perfect love casts out all fear. You go, I am with you. If you, in your path were to go astray, I would gently let you know. Live the life of purpose you are meant to live. Go, and I go with you."
Last night I was held down by my sorrow over disconnections felt in my soul because my husband and I are on such different pages, so I over-analyze and weave myself a web so tight and daunting that I have trapped myself and made myself the prey, unknowingly preparing the feast which is me.
Eating myself for dinner, in self-pity. How disgusting. How ridiculous. But how real the dark is in those moments: a cave with no light streaming in. I do not enjoy it. It does not feed some sick little joy within me. It is blackest black, curtains tight. Like a hearse. Ugh, here I go again sounding suicidal or something. Nope. Just being real. Night is night, and day is day. Yesterday was depression. Today is light. Hope. Newness. Thank God. Morning brings me word of your unfailing love.
So now, to comprehend the fact that though I feel trapped {once again!}.. by my predicament, my lack of provision to move one way or another, walled in by limits, that this is not the truth. I was telling Chris yesterday that we are in a narrow place in the labyrinth, seemingly a dead end, but soon we will find that the wall is knocked down and behind it laid, all the time, a spacious place. We were trapped by our own limited understanding. I am not exactly saying that we make our own fate, but I am. I am not saying that what we speak into existence always comes to pass, but it can be true. I think we have many options, and a lot more freedom than I originally thought. As a man thinketh, so he is. If I think I will fail and my life be aborted and stagnant all of my days, then, yes, probably that is what will happen. Because eventually that mindset depicts everything you do or don't do. If I believe my life is starting to look up, and that many good things are in store for me, and I fill myself with this hope, turning my mind often to God and this expectancy, then it will do me all the better along the way, even if things don't get drastically better. I wish I was less stuck in the recesses of my mind, and more shallow sometimes, letting nothing bring me down ( which isn't shallow, I envy the ability to be a doer and a positive thinker. I often am not. )
Chris's favorite thing to say when I am in these dark moods,"Annie, Annie, where are you?" Because even I don't know how far into the forest of obsessive fretting I have ventured. Until I am sitting in that old familiar place of my own making, drenched in tears and empty of energy.
Stupid news, it gets me every time! I confess, and I know how gross this is, the other day I was curious about Jeffery Dahmer, so I went to his wikipedia page and started divulging all of the information, every grisly detail of his mental sickness and tendencies..... what a sad, demented soul he was. And then my mind starts the downward spiral of depression over mankind and where humanity is and is going, and I get saturated in it.
Happy thoughts! Go to your happy place! The things we meditate on or think about most is what is going to define us, most likely. If I fill my mind with peaceful, inspiring things, then maybe I will not go to these dark places quite so much.
I have strayed a bit from what I wanted to say here in this blog. I wanted to say that even though last night I felt sad and broken, today I am fueled by hope and expectancy. I refuse to be steeped in the slough of despair. I may get my shoes wet when I walk over it, but I plan to find the stepping stones that go over it, and through it rather than mired in it repeatedly.
So now, to extricate myself from the woven web, the cornered girl who finds she is only cornered by herself. I love that quote which says,"Indeed there is nothing God will not do for those who will dare to step out in faith onto what appears to be only a mist. As they take their first step, they will find a rock beneath their feet." F.B Meyer.

unconditional

Love is a funny thing in our current generation.
When we become unhappy or begin to "fall out of love", we simply leave or separate from the arrangement. No matter how entangled our life has become with the other party. If it is no longer making us happy or bringing us fulfillment, we are brainwashed to believe that our happiness is the most important component to a perfect life, so we chase after that feeling of being in love , which is actually just an adrenaline rush of first crush desire...the problem being that that emotion was never meant to last indefinitely. It is a hook to the fish. The reward is keeping the fish even when it's sick or no longer pretty. When it's gasping for air and all you want to do is toss it back in the water to set it free. Sometimes it is the only way, I guess.
What does it mean to love unconditionally? Is it possible? Is it concurrent with today? should it be? Is it a dying ideal? Or is it the core of true love as we know it?
In every relationship I have ever found to be inspiring and beautiful, the resounding ingredient of success seems to be longevity mingled with empathy. Each person putting the other before themselves. Even before their own dreams and passions. It is a dying to oneself to see to it that the other person is successful in life. Is it impossible? Sometimes it seems that way lately. And then you see that old couple holding hands in their golden years, crossing the street, or sitting across from each other in a restaurant with that glint of love and respect still so clear in their eyes as they regard each other and converse, whether in talk or in glances, and you know, it is still possible.
My husband and I have been married for ten years now, and there have been times, I admit, that I have played with the idea of fleeing from a difficult conversation that was extremely awkward, or places that are such an impasse in seeing eye to eye that it could have ended right there if we chose to let it be the stopping point..out of pride or immaturity. But then as time proves, a few days or a month later, we are sitting in some ridiculously beautiful spot together, overlooking the magic of nature's eye candy or sharing a moment of clarity, and everything is more than okay, it seems fake it is so perfect. THAT is love. It IS the rollercoaster, and riding it out with someone that you see as worth it to be with in the good, the bad and the ugly, as well as the perfectly aligned moments of relational bliss. It is the NOT giving up because you honor the vows, but beyond that, loving someone for all of their perfect flaws that make them human and gorgeous.
I did not know this as fully last year, or the year before, but every year I am with my husband, I learn more. I become more educated in what real love looks like and feels like, and it is very painful sometimes. It is very sublime sometimes. It is awkward. It is two giraffes dancing and getting their necks tangled then bizarrely untangling and walking on. It is stilted conversations and crying in the night sometimes, and hurting deeper than you've ever been hurt but then healing each other and going on. Deeper and deeper. It is the cracks and the splintered heartaches that make it so obvious how intertwined your hearts are. Fact is, if it hurts so bad, it's because you have let it. You have allowed yourself to be that vulnerable because you have seen the worth in that person to open yourself up just that much. Maybe, just maybe...it is also worth it to walk out that path and to reconcile. To make it work with that person because you love them. I know it is for me. No shift of opinions or difference of views (unless of course it was unhealthy and a risk not worth taking for reasons of protection that is) is going to disentangle us as far as I am concerned. I hope your relationship is worth it to you to keep as well. Be good to yourself, and be good to your mate. All the best my friends.

Life in a nutshell these past few months.

You are a beautiful mess

What is wrong with me lately? I am so uninspired to write anything worth a bean! When I think, at last! I have something important to say! I begin to type or jot things down in my notebook and it feels just like a thousand things I have written and said before. It totally lacks any originality, or validity. It captures a sense of blandness and discontentment that I may or may not even being feeling. I sound like a broken record! You miss all of my passionate emotions where, in the bathroom I silently scream until my face is red from frustration and anger at myself, the world around me, my lack of love, lack of peace, lack of understanding and compassion or sincerity towards my fellow man. I fail to express the days that blend one in to the other, all smearing like paint that turns into pools of brown and gray are more often that not, and end up sounding like Pollyanna, ever hopeful, ever cheery! But I am not! No! I am an angry girl with too many thoughts all of the time, and I am so weary of myself sometimes that I could simply die. But I do not say this. No, in order to keep people from thinking I am a negative bore hounding for pity from all of you, which I would not be, but it would come across like this no matter what...self pity is such an ugly trait after all....I spew a rainbow of words containing life and hope, and this all all good and well, but it is not honest. I want to be honest with you. I want to be honest with myself most of all, and that will trickle down into everything I do and onto everyone I meet. 

So, life is dull sometimes and drags on until you look in the mirror and realize your reflection is no longer a girl with long, shining hair and naiive eyes filled with dreams of tomorrows that might possibly come, but your eyes now shift with the lackluster suspicion that maybe life will always be mediocre and unfulfilled, framed in crows feet and smile lines. Quite possibly, and you are no longer afraid of this, life might serve you a large helping of sorrow and disappointments, riddled with anxiety or disease. You are critical. Jaded. Getting older. Supposedly wiser. Like Adam and Eve in the garden, you feel naked and long to be clothed. And so you are.Clothed in tattered, threadbare armor.  Sometimes you may even feel the sharp truth of the curse like a bitter wind on your skin. These are the things I think about but do not share because I have branded myself the speaker of kind words to the public, words of hope. But it is not how I feel often. I struggle with depression one day and then I dig myself out with light and love and the beauty of nature and comfort of family and God. Who of us do not struggle with depression on occasion in a broken world where so much darkness dwells, but also so much good? I don't think I could relate to you if you said you never wished to be absent from this earth because of the pain it brings in life. Once in awhile at least.

SO my heart longs desperately for heaven, a better world, a better home, my true home. But I do not dream of death or suicide. I dream of life still. I chase after the silver edge of the cloud which seems to always be there, a constant companion. I always say, how would the brighter colors be bright without the shadowy brush stokes to contrast them? You cannot have the brightness of day without the closing of the eyes to dark night. So there is the certainty of bad against good, the struggle of sadness to joy. We are human! Will we not feel human emotions and have terrible days that are so full of failure you may not even want to get out of bed the next day because you feel as if you have completely blown it? And then there is always a second and third and hundredth chance at repairing the breach and making lemonade from lemons. Those of us who believe, who have faith in a God we cannot see but trust is there, we have the hope of heaven. We know that this world is but a shadow of the things to come when we die. Sometimes I wonder what it feels like to NOT have that hope. Do you have less depression of this world, because you are so desperately attempting to make this one shot so well-lived? I think there is balance needed. I know we as believers are not supposed to bide our time counting the days we have left, only dreaming of the next and better world. We are meant to live each day here to the fullest, speaking of His saving grace, and looking at how God speaks to us in His creation..in the birds song, the fresh dew on the mouth of a flower, the curve of a child's cheek, the eyes that watch us, the tenderness of new leaves on a branch in spring, baby birds learning to fly out of the nest, a road that goes somewhere you've never been, looking at this day like an adventure to be lived, food tasted, faces kissed, arms held out to the lonely, washing each other's feet in servitude. But somedays are shit. And there is no way around it. Thankfulness changes so much. When I feel dark and angry and crabby and I'm ugly to be around, I sometimes remember to be thankful. To be silent and pray. To seek the peace I know is ALWAYS extended to me, but so easy to turn my back on. But sometimes I don't. Sometimes I waste an entire day indulging in the bread of idleness and despair. And God's grace is on those days too. I hope my blog today helps someone to know that being real and transparent can sometimes look messy, but it is truth, and honesty is always the best in my book. Bless you today. May you find beauty, and refuge in His big, outstretched arms of grace and love, It never ends, even when you feel lost and alone and bored and ugly. You are beautiful, and precious, and special, and your life is the only one of its kind, so live it fully. Even the shitty days.