Crap Storm

Life at present is a swirling turbulent storm of poo. It is as difficult as can be, the trials squeezing me into a pulp. I am in a corner, trapped, but the Lord is still sovereign, and He will be victorious. Right now, even though I believe that, I am fighting off discouragement and weariness. It seems like the attack on our finances is a vice-grip that keeps getting tighter and tighter, threatening to pop the head off of me and destroy me, but this too shall pass. Right?
I will praise You in this storm.

"Wherever God's finger points, His hand will clear a way."

Though the fig tree does not bud and there are no grapes on the vines, though the olive crop fails and the fields produce no food, though there are no sheep in the pen and no cattle in the stalls, yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will be joyful in God my Savior. ~ Habakkuk 3:17-18

He is my help, my eyes are on Him, He is teaching me to trust even though all feels lost. He is teaching me to be content in every situation. To sing and praise Him even though I feel like weeping. This may sound dramatic, but there are so many varying things that have gone on in the past month, (actually, five months, but who's counting? ha.) that I can't even write about on here. People keep telling me there is a season of rest and good things coming, and I will hope for the best. Thanks for reading, and praying, if you think of us. Blessings.

Sorrow & Joy

The most obvious example of sorrow and joy to me is marriage. There are so many things that can bring you either. I am so in love with my husband, more so today than when we first said our vows. He is my best friend, and when anything is wrong, I feel it in my own heart. Sounds strange, but anyone who is married to their best friend knows exactly what I am talking about.
Because we have a roaring enemy that prowls about seeking how to destroy us, and our marriages, I am finding I need to step up my prayer life.
I find joy when we laugh about things only we can laugh about together. I find sorrow when there are things he thinks he can't share with me. I find joy when he is home on a Sunday and we snuggle up together and there is nothing to fight about. There is sorrow when he is gone for hours and days and I feel far away from him because I haven't heard his voice in my ear, or felt his hand in mine. I never knew, not even when I first married Chris, that I could love someone this much. There is a verse in Song of Solomon, and he read it to me when we were engaged. It says,"Love is as strong as death, its jealousy unyielding as the grave. It burns like a mighty flame. Many waters cannot quench love; rivers cannot wash it away. If one were to give all the wealth of his house for love, it would be utterly scorned." S of S 8:6-7.
What a powerful entry! My heart is feeling the full effect of this today. Love is stronger than death.

Agoraphobic? nah....

The leaves are turning shades of umber, russet, bright reds, banana yellow outside of my window. I should be outdoors enjoying the precious last few days of sunshine and park play, but I have been wasting away inside in my own private shell of privacy. The poor children, they just want a place to run free like little wild animals frolicking in the grass. I feel like some sort of agoraphobic. Except I am definitely not. I don't want to feel this way, but it is hard not to feel as though I am in a type of limbo at the moment. I am supposed to be acting as though I am moving, getting my house in order, but there is no house yet to move into on the other side...God has told us repeatedly to act in faith, and we are attempting it. I don't even know how Noah built that ark! There were no drops of rain or storm clouds in sight for the 40 years he constructed that clunky, crazy boat in his backyard, and all the neighbors were judging him to be a nut-job. But he faithfully kept on.
I have it easy, so to speak. People just don't find works of faith to be a thing of substance. My family thinks we are crazy, our friends keep asking if we've found a place yet, etc. and God just has us waiting on Him and His bricks that He is laying one at a time. One step two step, three step....Trust Me. Four step, five step, six step, wait.
Today is all we have. I should be making the most of it. And I am sitting in a chair with searing back pain waiting for some good news. Who's the nut-job again?

Writing to myself

I don't know why I keep writing in this blog..nobody seems to read it unless I post it on facebook. Oh well. It was pretty fun while it lasted.

It's raining

It's raining and quite dreary outdoors today. It's one of those hot chocolate, soup in a bread bowl, snuggle under the covers with your honey, movie type days. The kids are watching Old Yeller and I am writing a blog. My honey just left to do a worship service at Sister's Community Church for their youth.
I am thinking about going to the store to get dinner, and then snuggle up and watch Emma with Gwyneth Paltrow in it, for the umpteenth time. What is it about rainy weather that feels so romantic to me? It is as though something within my soul was tuned to respond poetically in times of deluge.
Lately I have been reading James a lot, and Isaiah, as usual. Isaiah is my all-time favorite book in the Bible. Not quite sure why, but a friend said today that Isaiah is like it's own small Bible in one book. It tells of Jesus, prophetically, before He even came.

Here is a lovely verse from James:
"Therefore be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord. See how the farmer waits for the precious fruit of the earth, waiting patiently for it until it receives the early and latter rain. You also be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand." James 5:7-8
And another on rain from Isaiah:
"For as the rain comes down, and the snow from heaven, and do not return there, but water the earth, and make it bring forth and bud, that it may give seed to the sower and bread to the eater, so shall My word be that goes forth from My mouth; It shall not return to Me void, but it shall accomplish what I please, and it shall prosper in the thing for which I sent it."
My footnote underneath says just as water enlivens and strengthens a withering rose, God's word produces life in the hearts of sinners.
Good words. Beautiful words. Well, I am off now to snuggle down and be cozy on this dreary (yet beautiful) day. Enjoy friends!

Family Pictures by Marina

We got some nice family pictures done by lovely photographer, Marina Koslow. It was a beautiful day.

Annie & Chris

Dreams

I have been dreaming a lot of birds lately. I (just for fun) went to this website for dream meanings, and it said this:

bird

• Freedom, soaring, meaningful success
• Ability to "rise above" pettiness and negative behavior
• Ability to see clearly, understand, see the "big picture" or the truth
  

Hmmm...interesting! Usually the birds are hummingbirds, but not always. Last night it was, and it came right up to the window I was standing behind and tapped on the glass with it's beak 4 times, purposefully, and I saw it's little eyes looking at me, as if to make sure I got it or not... it was very odd!

Any ideas on what this could mean?

Come to the river, dip your hearts in the water...

Selah: To pause, reflect, and consider.

Today is a day I have given to be sanctified to Jesus, to acknowledge Him in being my all in all, my truest love and friend, and the most beautiful of any person ever come to earth, and ascended on high. I knew I had to give a day to him (though He is worthy of all time in my life) to express my gratitude and hunger for Him and His pure love above all other things which fill us up. Only He can fill us until we no longer are in need of any other sustenance. Only He can enlighten our minds to truth. Only He can direct my steps by illuminating my way with His words and guidance. So, I look to Him today and give Him my whole heart, and all of my time.
This, I acknowledge, is difficult for our flesh. My immediate desire upon awakening is to go directly to the kettle, warm up water and start my coffee routine. Then I figure out a breakfast meal to consume, for me and the children. After ALL of this, perhaps I either go to spend time with the Lord or I get on the computer to spend my time wastefully looking at my friend's lives and writing e-mails, or facebook spying, etc. I do all of these things without hardly thinking of the WHY. I just do, mindlessly it seems.
I am hungry. I am mostly hungry in my spirit for something that is lasting and fulfilling though. This does not come in the form of food that we place in our mouths (though one of my most favorite things to partake of, I admit, is eating scrumptious tidbits and delectable feasts of this and that). We hunger down deep within us. In a place only we, and more so, the Holy Spirit, can identify. I want Him to overflow in that place of want. He is my provision.
This all sounds strange and foreign and perhaps even vulgar to the mind that resides on flesh only. But to those of us who see there is more than what our eyes merely fall on in front of us, in this world, it makes sense, because we are searching with the eyes of our hearts.
I give You this day, Father, because You are worthy of my all. You alone can fill me the way I need to be filled, and pray for more of You: More enlightenment to spiritual things, More Holy Spirit to dwell within me, More cognizance to what lies beyond the confines and tethers of this earth, and most of all, More Love. I want to be teachable, and I see so much judgments and opposition and cynicism within me that comes out when I least expect, break me with Your love.

I choose to pause today and give you thanks. I've heard it said that pools of refreshment will stand in the footprints of those who wait on His next operating instructions, and I do this, I choose to wait on Him, His peace, His open doors, rather than trying to make my own way and coming up against unnecessary walls. His way is perfect and exact, and always love. Jesus.

I love to read.

Reading is one of my all-time favorite pastimes, and always has been. I like reading light, casual books, or heavy, intense reads that grip my stomach in a vice-hold and I have to keep reminding myself to breathe. Isn't it amazing that mere words on a page have the ability to do this to us?
Right now I am simultaneously reading four different books: Radical by David Platt, a book about taking your faith back from the American Dream, which has been on my heart a lot lately (simplifying!!), A Perfect Day by Richard Paul Evans, which is a fictional book that caught my fancy, You Were Made For More by Jim Cymbala, a book about finding your specific gifts and purpose in the Lord, and I can't remember the last one off the top of my head.
I choose books that I want to immerse myself in pretty carefully because I find that it is like being transported to another world, almost like a dream except that you live in someone else's words. If it is a really good book, for instance, I can pretend I am walking through the scenery being painted for me by the author. My mind becomes transfixed in the what who and why and it is like a small adventure. If it is a bad book, one that makes me feel negatively, I find it can also consume me in a wrong way, so this is why I say I am careful about what I read, just as I am particular about the movies I watch, because I don't want a bunch of garbage floating around in my brain that I don't need. I already have a battle waging war inside my mind, in thoughts that attempt to discourage or depress me, I don't want to feed this knowingly into me with a crappy book.
That said, I have been filling my mind with a lot of passionate topics lately, that impassioned me as well, and cause me to become edified and built up towards those things which inspire me to be better, and to shun the things that tear me down. These especially include as of late, the mysteries and gifts of the Holy Spirit.
I hope you all have been having an adventure in reading lately, I'd love to hear about what you are reading, and how it has affected you for the better, or worse:)
Bye!

Two of my favorite things:

The ocean and my honey. all in one picture.

Marriage

I just recently found out about a pastor that we used to have in California who has ended up in a horrible divorce with his wife of many years, and a messy custody battle over his children. It was strange, I was just sitting on my couch at a late hour (which around this house, is the only time I can hear God's voice because it's actually quiet) when I thought of him. I had not thought of this guy in many years, that his face came out of the blue. I couldn't even remember his name at first, just that he had been very kind and patient to me, counseled me when I was hooked on drugs and in the midst of all of my teenage angst. I remember sitting in his office across the desk from him, and going over scripture with him. I was a very confused girl at that point, and he would redirect my aimless rants to solid truth. Gently. I will not forget that.
We all have our struggles, and I have no doubt that both parties are to blame, but it just brings to mind the fact that marriages are crumbling left and right. If people within the church cannot retain a unified covenant, how can the world be expected to either? When we say our vows, one of the most important things spoken is this: What God has put together, let no man put asunder. In other words, no one, even yourself, should tear apart what God has put together. Of course, I am not dogmatic, and believe that sometimes, there are exceptions, and usually it is because God wasn't the one who put the two together, it was their own doing, and that is why it fell apart, because He had no part in in from the beginning. But a marriage that was two people, seeking God, and led to make that lifelong commitment, then just throwing in the towel, that is a tragedy indeed in my mind.
In this world we are living in where people lie daily to each other and cheat and seek their own happiness above anything else, it is nearly impossible to make anything last. This is why I am so filled with a quickening to place my desires and daydreams under the light of God's truth. Is it really necessary for me to have all the things I want or think I need all the time? Or will it be more beneficial and glorifying to battle out the things that are so vital. My marriage is the number one most important thing to me beside my relationship with Christ. My husband has faults, as do I, but I know that if I went searching for someone with less faults I would be wildly disillusioned, exchanging something highly valuable for a pipe-dream. With relationships, you are going to have messes. It is a basic fact of the matter. Our relationship with the Lord is one of the most perfect examples, and I even fall short daily in THAT one, so I should expect to find challenges and discrepancies in my everyday family relationships. Does this mean we give up and run away? No. I heard it said once, before I got married to Chris, that if you picture a married couple like 2 horses in a corral, who, when in an argument of some sort, each can run to the opposite sides of the corral but cannot leap over the fence, and must eventually come into the middle again to resolve their differences. It is a good mental picture for me, because I never really learned from anyone how to communicate through differences, if someone didn't see eye to eye with me, the conversation was over, we'd agree to disagree, but to try and work something out, some common ground, would be too much work and so I would run away. When I married Chris, however, I said to myself, I will not do this lightly. I will remain single if I want things to be simpler. In 1 Corinthians 7:34 it says,"An unmarried woman or virgin is concerned about the Lord's affairs: Her aim is to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit. But a married woman is concerned about the affairs of this world- how she can please her husband." and I knew, I would not allow anything less than His perfect best to take my attention away from Him. When Chris came along, I was not looking for that from him at all, it just fell into place, and I knew with all of my being that he was the one worth fighting for. It saddens me that it has to be such a battle sometimes to hold something together that was meant for a blessing...we make petty things into so much more than they need to be, rather than "Covering over a multitude of sins in love" as 1Peter 4:8 & Proverbs 10:12 charges us to do. One of my favorite verses is also from Corinthians, and it says not to take account of offenses. I tend to do this, and it is one of the things I seek to free myself from. If Chris took account of my offenses rather than letting them go, I'd be a guilty woman in his sight.
I love this verse, it has been on my heart a lot lately,"How good and pleasant it is for brothers to dwell together in unity! It is like precious (fragrant) oil poured on the head, running down the beard.." Psalm 133:1-2 The whole Psalm is worth reading, it is one of the shortest and most important Psalms, it is as if that was all that needed to be said in it. How important for us to be united!! "For there the Lord bestows His blessing, even life forevermore." Oil in scripture always represents the holy spirit, a sort of inner vulnerability, a holiness and beauty in my mind, like the woman who broke her expensive alabaster vial to spill out the perfume upon Jesus' feet, it needed to be broken to spill out it's worth, just like our hardened hearts need to be broken to emit the fragrance of love. Unity is one of the most powerful and glorious tools we have in relationships and in congregation, yet there is so precious little of it. Let us begin by keeping our marriages together and our hearts soft towards each other. Then perhaps the church will truly display the image of a Beloved wife and her Husband, Jesus, dwelling together in perfect unity, rather than quarreling over ridiculous and petty things such as whether to have the music before or after, with lights on or off in church, and silly things! Let us be inclined to put one another above ourselves and not live enslaved to selfishness and self-seeking. Marriage on earth is supposed to be the example for what the Church looks like, minds in one accord walking toward a common goal. Why do we make it so complicated?

It's been awhile

It's been awhile since I posted a blog, so here goes. It's not necessarily that I have been busy, I've just been trying to stand on God's promises. Sometimes that can consume all that I have within me. Sounds dramatic, but there it is.
We have been struggling terribly with our finances due to a new thing where the state of California is taking out 550 dollars straight from Chris' paycheck. I am honestly not sure what our next step is, but I see boxes and moving trucks dancing in my head, with nowhere to go. There are many things I am battling, in prayer, and in life, and Chris is planning his next cd. I will probably erase this after I write it so that I don't get in trouble...we'll see how cheeky I feel when I am done with this post...;)
Everybody here in Bend seems to somehow be pulling away from me, without even trying. I have few connections left here. God has made no promise of leading us to California like I would like, or anything specific, but we were prayed over on our last trip there, as a couple, by an amazing woman of prophetic giftings. It was said that He would lead us out of here, but we would not leave in haste. And so my dilemma. My constant dilemma when God speaks a promise, is to run ahead and try to discover the rest. God is trying to teach Chris and I to trust Him, to have joy in all circumstances (in sickness and health, in richness or poorness) and to wait on Him faithfully, patiently. Well....I am not patient. I am frustrated. Truth be told, when Chris said he was going to start recording on his 2nd cd in the end of August, I envisioned myself packing up the entire house, getting a storage unit, letting him stay with a friend, and taking the kids to my Mom's so that we can save money and have some sort of hope for the future. Everything is unsure! I am trying not to be stressed and worried, because truly, He is taking care of our daily bread, but we owe bills!! Many!! and rent! I will not lose heart...I will keep on, because I am human and I have strength funneling into my weak, pathetic spirit from a mighty, holy, awesome God who is rich beyond measure. "I would have lost heart, if I did not believe that I would see the goodness of the Lord, in the land of the living." Psalm 27:13.
I will wait. I will trust. I will yield to Him to chisel this patience thing into my heart. My soul will rise to Him and I will sit by still waters meditating on His peace and hope and faithfulness. Even if it's the hardest thing I have to do.

Here Comes the Sun

I was thinking about the things I always thought that ideally I would want to be defined by, at least by the end of my life, but hopefully, NOW...and continually in heightening waves of growth. Here they are: To be a joyful person, radiant with a sunshiney outlook and inner optimism that encourages and places hope within all that I come to meet. This radiance would infiltrate my entire persona. I want to be a person who truly gets out there and LIVES life, which means I really need to quit worrying so much about what people may or may not be thinking about me ( because they are most likely NOT thinking about me, haha).
I want to explore, get dirty, travel, and meet and love people truly. I want to stop being so materialistic and simplify all aspects of my life. We can really live very fruitfully with very little, surprisingly.
I want to accumulate experiences rather than THINGS!! I want to make my dreams come true that I have placed on a far up shelf to gather dust.
I want to be healthy and fit and love my body in all of its imperfection...
I want to be loyal to my husband, and romantic, in love, inspiring, the best friend he will ever have, and completely passionate for him until the day I die! I want to be a big kid, and ride bikes and roller skate, and have fun with my children and not take life so seriously!
I want to leave a trail of dust behind me when I die that tells the world that I was here, and I LIVED life. I want to be happy!
I can only fulfill all of this by placing Jesus first, and this I will do whole-heartedly. He's the best thing I could ever have in my life, and the wellspring of goodness.
Choose life TODAY. I am.

Sweet Home, OR.

Day Trip

The other day we decided we were in dire need of a small adventure, so we headed out the door with a big picnic lunch full of snacks, gassed our car up, and went for it. Where we ended up, we didn't really care, we just wanted to find a place that was green and warm, and maybe had fields of flowers to gaze at. We drove through Sisters, Oregon, and beyond the McKenzie Pass headed towards Sweet Home and Salem. It was a long time before we reached beauty (green forests, mossy trees, trickling water falls off the road, and lovely streams and lakes. We finally came to a stop in a small town called Sweet Home, which we found almost 70 degrees (20 degrees warmer almost than Bend was upon departing), and quite charming despite it's decline structurally. You can see everywhere in the US the recession's fingerprints, unfortunately. So many beautiful properties are for sale, and not being cared for or repaired.
We went to this lovely park which had an ancient covered bridge on its property. I am pretty obsessed with covered bridges, and my husband appeases me by stopping at them to take pictures:) He's so sweet to me! Anyhow, it was such a fun little adventure, I just love going place with my family. My husband is the best traveling companion!
The End:)

It's The First Day of Spring!

Hello Spring, I like you. I like you because your weather is so much kinder than Winter. So much hope in the crocuses poking their purple heads out of the hard soil, and the yellow dandelions waving their smooth petals in the breeze. I like you because the baby birds are hatching in their nests upon every branch and under every eave and calling out excitedly to the blue skies where their mothers fly drowsily searching for worms.
I like you, dear Spring, because you make my heart think of Easter and new birth, and awakening from long slumbers in the darkness to run through green grassy fields with wildflowers and joy. I like the way you smell after a fresh, light rain. I like the way your light reflects everything golden-hued and how rainbows appear in the sky, and as I wake in my bed, your sunlight's fingers run through my hair.
This is the time when I take long drives just to see the colors on the ground, and the birds in flight, and to get a lemonade from some tiny store I have never been to before. It's when the children and I buy lots of eggs to dye vivid happy colors, and we celebrate Jesus and His triumphant life risen from the tomb. It is Spring, and my mind sprouts with poetry and a full heart. So thankful for the changing of seasons, how they keep me on my feet and ready for action.

I love this picture of us, haha!

Fun with the Delerys on Ben's Birthday:)

My children

I love my children, but there is nothing like the baby of the bunch, the runt of the litter so to speak. He is my cuddle bear, my sweet baby angel. He adores me, sticks up for me. He calls me "beautiful girl." Today while laying in bed upon awaking, (um, because he crawls into bed with my husband and I pretty much every night), we were talking and I said,"Jude, you're my boy." and he replied, "I not a boy! I just Jude Hezekiah, I'm a kid." ha! Three years old. Then he went on to say, "Harmony's a kid, Eli's a kid..." and I asked,"Am I a kid?" and he said, "Noo, you're a wife!" haha. Love it. He's such a cute character. His giggles sound like music to my ears.
I love my children, but there is nothing like the middle child, especially if you yourself are the middle child. My daughter is the middle child, and she is my princess, my sweet peach, my butterfly. She loves pink and dancing and dolls. And she loves her mama. She's a tiny director, a little mother herself, already filling the role of lady. She fills the whole room with her laughter, and seemingly the whole universe lights up. The other day when I was brushing her hair, she looked up at me sassily and said,"What's my hair made of anyways? Spaghetti?" and we burst into giggles together because it sounded so funny. Another day she came running dramatically up the stairs to me in my room, and she said,"Judebug just kicked me in the eye with his hard toe!" I thought it was so hilarious, I couldn't help but laugh, but she was angry at me for laughing "at her"....Such a girl!
I love my kids but there is nothing like the oldest child. I don't know if it's the fact that we got 5 luxurious years all alone together to bond and get to know each other inside out, that formed some sort of mutual respect, but he knows the moment I am off emotionally, when I walk in a room he can just tell. He comes over to me and puts his arms around me and kisses me or looks me in the eye and says, like a small man,"You need a hug, I think." He is so great! He's my little scientist, my curious bookworm. We have much in common, and yet much that is opposite as well. I think (secretly of course) that he is much smarter than me (okay, it may not be a secret...).
The other day I was really exhausted and he came to me and said, "Tomorrow, I am gonna set the bathroom all up like a salon, and I'm gonna put cucumbers on your eyes, and massage you, and you can take a bath with your lavender salts..." Such an amazing kid. Ahhh, I am a lucky mama.
And then there is my "adopted" children...My small friend Becks, whom I would literally do anything for out of love. God has truly blessed me with the wealth of so much love.

True Contentment.

Today is Saturday and Chris is working. I have Harmony and Jude, and Eli is with Grandpa. Outside the trees are painted white with snow, and the ground is a sheet of white glaze as well. Though I am not fond of the cold, it is extremely beautiful.
There are no plans until tonight, when we are going to dinner at the Dickinson's house. It's been a long time since our families connected, so I am excited about that time together. I am snuggled in the softest red blanket with hearts all over it, just finished my coffee, my mind is sharp-edged with the caffeine and the freshness of morning.
My husband brought me pink roses last night, and they looked so sweet and beautiful in the bag, and then we took them out to place them in a vase, and they fell all over the place, wilted and past their prime. Chris was really disappointed, he felt like he threw away $13. I said we could take them back....
Isn't it so often in real life that people or things look like they are perfect in their little package of appeal and perfectness, and then we get a closer look only to find it was an illusion and simply a disappointment? "The grass is always greener" quote is so accurate. We must make the most of our lives where we are now. I was so unhappy for so long, thinking that this place was so dissatisfying and that I needed to move back to California, or someplace else. But the problem was not where we live, it was in ME. I was discontent because I had allowed myself to become stale and joyless. I had my husband so convinced of my unhappiness and depression, that he knocked on many doors to get us out of here so I could "be happy" again. Every door remained shut, but God spoke to me, saying,"Bloom here. I have you HERE. Make the very most of it."

It is so important to remain fruitful and to be thankful for what we have. I have been so ungrateful for what I have. God has blessed me abundantly with: My beautiful husband who has such an amazing heart, who listens to me and loves me, who tends to me carefully like a gardener in their realm of flowers. He is a jewel, and I couldn't have asked for a more precious gift and friend to remain by my side during my stay here on earth.
My children! Each one is such a delight in their own individual, adorable way. Eli is so intuitive, he knows me so well! He is affectionate and kind, and smart, and we have the best conversations. Harmony is sweet and feminine and a peacemaker by nature. She is sensitive and doting, and understands people on a deeper level than most adults. Jude, my little Judebug, is such a ball of curiosity and joy. He adores his sister and brother, loves to play, explore, run, chatter and crawl into mine and Chris' laps and cuddle. They each make me smile so much, and laugh! I am so blessed beyond belief to have three such healthy, exuberant babies!
I am thankful for my home, my bed, my kitchen where I can cook meals for my family and friends, and our living room where we hold our prayer group. There are SO MANY things to list when you get into this frame of mind, it is hard to hold back. It would take all day to say all of the things I am so grateful for. And it would take up way too much room. But, I know that the number one "thing" I am thankful for, and which is the reason that all of these other things have been ushered into my life to make me so prosperous, and it is Jesus.
When I think about my life before I chose to give Him my heart, I feel the void and deep chasm that was my soul. I was in pain, and hungry for something I couldn't put a name to. I just knew the things I was choosing to fill the gap in my heart with were just serving to make me emptier and more dead. Drugs, sex, friendships with people in the world, busyness, alcohol, astrology, all of the things I made my religion before Christ, were like gateways to more pain and loss. It was a downward stairway that I was descending rapidly and blindly, thinking it brought me release when it only birthed self-destruction and misery.
Today, I am thankful. To know true joy and peace. To be flooded with a light that can never be put out or die. I am thankful for a hunger and thirst that has been quenched with a feast that won't decay nor become gall in my belly. I am at ease. "He brought me to His banqueting table, and His banner over me is love." He extends this peace and love to all who ask, to all who simply say it and mean it in their hearts. "Come, lay down thy weary head upon My breast and dine with Me." He says. "Be free. Lay down your burdens so that I can take them up and you can be free." Jesus is the Way, The Truth and the Light. Come today and be refreshed once and for all.

I will praise thee for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.

The Fruit of Our Lips.

You know what I see a lot of, and it's really a shame, is people who claim to have the gift of prophecy or encouragement, and trade in the power of their mouths and ministries for foul words and talebearer ways to take place.
Prophets and people with the gift of words or encouragement are often hindered with an open mouth to gossip and negativity. It is so disappointing to hear someone who clearly has such a gift for language use their mouth to tear other Christians apart. This grieves the Spirit and crushes people's lives. To put a bad light on a sister or brother simply because you feel the need to say something, is immature and a waste of your ministry, and time.
We should pray that our mouths are a place for good things to spill forth and bless, and lift up. People who have issues with their mouths betraying them with gossip should take a break from preaching, leading worship, or their gift in my opinion, until they can keep their mouths closed when they feel the need to slander. If there's one thing I cannot tolerate, it is gossip and slander. It breaks down the body and fuels sin. It should not be done in the Body of Christ. We should be healing with our words, not wounding.
Isaiah 6:5 says,"Woe to me, I am ruined! For I am a man of unclean lips, and I live among a people of unclean lips, and my eyes have seen the King, the Lord Almighty." He was seriously grieved by the position he was in because he was in the presence of a Holy God who knew all, and hears all. I am guilty of this, or else I would not be writing this right now.
I pose this question, are we praising the Lord with our tongues, and also cursing men and gossiping? In James it says,"With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God's likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers (and sisters), this should not be. Can both fresh water and salt water flow from the same spring? Can a fig tree bear olives? Or a grapevine bear figs? Neither can a salt spring produce fresh water." He is so right, and I want pure water to flow from my mouth, only that which will edify and lift up and be comforting and useful to our growth.
It is so easy to be a talebearer. But it is also easy to clamp your mouth shut and say nothing if there is nothing good worth saying.

"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, And those who love it will eat its fruit." ~Proverbs 18:21

Let's let the fruit of our lips be love, not hate.

Time

News update on the Chabot's, a small break from my monotonous work-out blogs....blah. Chris started his Nursing Assistant class, which is a long, time-consuming and strenuous class 3 days a week. He is doing this in pursuit of his eventual nursing degree, which he should be obtaining within the next two years if everything goes according to schedule.
Last time when Chris took classes, he quit his job temporarily at the dialysis clinic and was a full-time student at COCC, and that consumed pretty much all of his time, while also working at the coffee shop a couple days a week. But this year, he held onto his job as technician at the clinic on top of doing the new music thing he is doing, and the CNA class. He is crazy-busy. I am not sure yet where our family fits into his extreme schedule, but, I am not complaining, he is doing what he needs to do right now, and my fighting against that would merely bring strife where it is unneeded. We formulated this plan to keep our health insurance this year, because the last time was so stressful! We were scared every time the kids got sick, because there was only our out-of- pocket plan:) I told him though, if this becomes too much for you, take a break from work, we will manage. The main directive here is for Chris to get his Nursing license.
It is hard to only have one day with my husband, Sundays, but I keep remembering something my mom told me recently whenever I feel lonely or sad that I don't have the company of my best friend and my love,"Right now you don't have a lot of time together, but just wait, there will be a time soon when you will be together all the time. Absence does make the heart grow fonder." She is right. Soon we may have TOO much time together. This would be my ideal plan: Chris get his Nursing License, gain experience for a year here if necessary, then move. Move to Ireland if that is what God wants, or Northern California. But no more snow:)

Day Quattro of Jillian Michael's Shred.

Day Four, Level Two. One five lb. weight found, so I switched off arms and used it in the squats today. I wasn't sore when I awoke this morning, so I went hard, and it felt great. I ate a healthy breakfast of Special K and coffee, took my vitamin, and at 12:30, I popped the dvd in upstairs and finished it out (unlike yesterday...I kinda finished poorly yesterday...).
I still weigh the same, my stomach still looks bad, so I am functioning purely on hope here. I think I need to kick it up a few notches and actually do a healthy diet plan. Tonight I made a delicious dinner of rice, salad, steelhead baked with limes and olive oil, and invited my dad over for dinner, and he brought CHOCOLATE FUDGE CAKE and bread that was still warm from the oven, and I had a glass of wine...so......yeah, still failing that area of the Shred plan. Maybe I should get in on this Jillian Michael meal plan, whatever that may be. If anyone knows, can you send me a link? That would be helpful.
I am pleasantly surprised to find that I have more than a few friends who are also doing this 30-Day Shred, and it inspires me to continue with it even more so! Thanks ladies!!!!
I hope all of you are doing better than me when it comes to the eating thing. I want to get results by the end of this so that it has not all been pain in vain, so to speak, so yeah...I am totally going to start eating healthier. Does anyone else out there have a difficult time dieting or even eating healthy because of their family? Shouldn't it be the other way around? My kids are SO picky!! Jude survives on bread, peanut butter, bananas and yogurt, God knows how. Harmony eats pretty well, but Eli is really particular about what he eats too. Jude is a vegetarian, but not in a healthy kind of way! Ahh well, works in progress...Sorry but I will not be the type of mom who shoves food down her kids throats with threats, it is not a fun way to grow up. Small steps, right?

Good luck with this, and thanks for bearing with me on the journey to shred!

Day 2 & 3 of "The Shred"

Ouch.
Yesterday I did Level 2, instead of continuing with Level 1-- Big Mistake. I awoke this morning barely able to move. bending over is the worst, with climbing stairs a close second worst. I find myself groaning more than normal at the smallest movements.
But strangely, I am not quitting, because I am determined this time around to actually complete something that I know will be rewarding in the end.
My butt hurts more than anything else, and my legs. I want my abs to burn!!! But they are not. So today, rather than doing all of the squats, I would remain on the ground and do more ab work. Hoping that'll even me out a little.
I am still not eating as well as I'd like, having finished off the 7-layer bars, and eating almost half a bag of Doritos yesterday....but today I only had 2 of my husbands (small) chocolate chip pancakes and 1 mini sausage, and then eggs w/spinach. Hopefully lunch will NOT include chips today, or a sweet treat, although it just might.
This is all for today, short blog, but, tomorrow will be better, I promise!

Jillian Michaels 30-Day Shred

Day One!
I am not excited, even though I want to be totally into this. I need a pep-up, like a concoction of something that makes me energized...any ideas? I took my Vitamin-C fizzy drink laced with ginseng, and my multi-vitamin, and went for it (ahem, to be totally honest here, first I ate a 7-layer bar....and eggs, and coffee with cream and sugar, so, not sure if there will be many results...). I did Level 1, and it was a good work out! Not as bad as I thought.
I couldn't find my 5-Lb. hand weights, so I used (shamefully) black beans in cans..hahaha...humorous. In other words, I am not at the top of my game here. I couldn't take my measurements because I can't find our measuring tape, but I am guessing my measurements are this: Jiggly, loose, 10-12+ lbs of extra holiday chub. I know this: I weigh almost 130, and only two pairs of my jeans fit at the moment, so I have been wearing stretch pants under flowy shirts to conceal my extra-love going on. I want this pretty bad!! I want especially to fit back into my regular pants without buttons flying into the toilet when I attempt to button my pants back up in restaurant bathrooms, and for shirts to look decent on me without Spanx sucking my rolls in underneath (too much information, I know, I know).
I will keep all of you amazing fans updated on how this diet workout plan goes, if only to keep me accountable. (Speaking to my two blog-followers...hello!)
Hopefully by tomorrow I can find my weights so I don't have to resort to using canned goods, and maybe I will have started off by NOT indulging in a treat that is made up of pure sugar, butter, and chocolate......to be continued....