The Emperor moth

Chrysalis

Look how unappealing and downright ugly this chrysalis is, to the layman's eye. Possibly it is a thing of beauty to the nature enthusiast, or even to a person like me, who is being persuaded to love the process as much as the outcome presently. But to most passerby's, it looks like a big, funky bug, dead with enfolded legs. Like nothing. Like it has lived it's life and is now worthless. Perhaps it even feels that itself...

But....inside, a marvelous and intriguing transformation occurs! Most people would pass by a thing like this without raising an eyebrow, or even knowing what it was, or caring what it was. Maybe a year ago I would have. Not now though. No way. It symbolizes to me the dark, stunted-seeming world we sometimes find ourselves in, and we wonder why, and there seem to be absolutely no answers forth-coming. And so we dwell in this limited world of black and loneliness, not seeing what is to come, maybe even completely hopeless....thinking we might even have only this for the rest of our lives; this seeming abandonment, no fresh air to breathe or beauty to take in with the eyes.

But let me start from the beginning. We started as the crawling, munching and crunching caterpillar: big, fat, wandering around the earth on leaves and earth's floor, our purpose "fine".  Maybe we had a passing thought that life would be much finer if we could soar like the birds overhead, I think we all have had that thought. Flight equals freedom and so forth. Because it does seem from a higher perspective that things come together  with more clarity. Bird's eye view means more power. But then we somehow found ourselves instinctively building a house away from the unseen eye, behind a leaf, on a branch no one comes often to, for safety, to go and hide inside for awhile. Before we knew it, we were in this dark, claustrophobic "refuge" but then we began to wonder why. Why were we the only ones in there and why for so long, and other why's we never had the time to figure out before, we now wrestled with inside this place, and we didn't know now if we liked this process at all. This sucked...immensely. No one has probably ever gone through this exact process before EVER, and all such loneliness thoughts we are suddenly bombarded with in waves of self-pity and sadness. (Maybe this is a little too introspective for a caterpillar, but bear with me..if I was the caterpillar, this is perhaps what I would be thinking.)  The time in here is for reflections, but then the reflections of how we used to be a fat, happy caterpillar that was well-fed, and green with goodness, and that sunlight shone upon our backs constantly bring us to depression because we know...we can never go back, for look at how we are changing in here! No one would love us now...look how disgusting we have become. Body covered in layers of God-knows what, and not beautiful at all even to one's self! The whole thing seems to be going so slow and there is way too much time to think and mind-screw ones self in here. Alone. Right?

But behold an eye that CAN see all that is going on inside that dark place of drought and questioning. A hand that is at work, a love that sees what the one inside the mess cannot see. Who knows perfectly, has done this time, and time again, with the most elegant of outcomes, the Potter, so to speak, with the lump of unfinished clay on his wheel. And now, it is time to emerge. After so long a time, will we even have any friends? Most probably we will be completely lonesome still. But the emergence is difficult, and we wrestle, and struggle with the almost impossibility of our freedom from this cocoon of darkness. But alas, finally, we crawl out, exhausted, but triumphant, and a little unsure of our place, or even what happened, kind of like a drunk person who has passed out in some strange place and must regain some memory of the night before, but the details are totally shady. We stumble onto the branch above us and realize the transformation that occurred in that place, gave us, magically, majestically, wings! So we try them out, and the view is amazing, and the beauty of spring surrounds on every side with flourishing life and verdant green all about, and suddenly! There are others. Others like you, flying above you, below you, beside you, happy, free, beautiful. You realize you could not have had these wings, this freedom, this spectacular feeling of perfect position, without that ugly, distant, challenging and AWFUL time of solitude. Here is an excerpt from a book called Celebration of Discipline, on the Dark Night of the Soul: "The dark night to which he calls us is not something  bad or destructive. On the contrary, it is an experience to be welcomed much as a sick person might welcome a surgery that promises health and well-being. The purpose of the darkness is not to punish or to afflict us. It is to set us free. It is a divine appointment, a privileged opportunity to draw close to the divine center. St.John calls it "sheer grace", adding: 

O guiding night!

O night more lovely than the dawn!

O night that has united

The Lover with His beloved,

Transforming the beloved in her Lover.

What does the dark night of the soul involve? We may have a sense of dryness, aloneness, even lostness. Any over-dependence on the emotional life is stripped away. The notion, often heard today, that such experiences should be avoided and that we should live in peace and comfort, joy, and celebration only betrays the fact that much contemporary experience is surface slush. The dark night is one of the ways God brings us into a hush, a stillness so that he may work inner transformation upon the soul."

And so we LOVE the process (even if we hate it) as much as the outcome. We love the caterpillar stage in us, the chrysalis stage, and the butterfly stage equally. You could not possibly have any one of them without the other. Change is necessary and essential to life. Transformation does not look pretty when it is in the pupal stage. But we can respect the ugly mess that is represented as much as the beauty it will incur. It is vital.

Summertime and the livin is easy (right)

The sky is beautifully cornflower blue and the sun beats down like the shade of sunset on a peach: warming, endearing, consuming. The children play rambunctiously and non-stop inside and out, with no reprieve on my behalf, which can wear and tear on the patience. Chris had taken off the week of our 9 year anniversary, and unknown to me, also the next two weeks after that for some much-needed vacation time. We have been together every day, and still have one week left of endless summer days, which can be good and enriching and also the anti of the much used credo: "Absence makes the heart grow fonder." ha..but we are handling it well and learning to have grace and soak in the quality time. It is ironic since the past few months had been so dry with this exact factor. Chris has been completely wrapped up in the recording of his 3rd album, and with having to work 40-hours a week on top of that, we rarely saw each other. Now it is a marathon of time together.
We began our time by cruising to the Oregon Coast to celebrate the victory of keeping our marriage together and doing it pretty well (I mean, we're still completely in love with each other and for the most part "get" each other, so that seems a triumph in it's self:) ) for nine years of hardship and bliss. There have been up's and down's, but such is life. Valleys and peaks, high's and low's, love and hate, joy and sorrow. It is the true anthem of life and anyone who tells you that life should only be happy and good all of the time has never been married, or is completely delusional. The goodness of marriage is seeing all of the wreckage that two people can unwillingly or willingly bring into a union, and making a garden out of the mess that works, and is somewhat beautiful and aesthetically pleasing. God plays such a huge part in this design...His fingerprints are all over our lives, whether seen or unseen. The fact that you can accept and tolerate a person that can be so perfectly opposite you and still be ridiculously in love with them is the stuff miracles are made of.
The Coast was magnificent and depressing and green and stony and cavernous and foggy all at once. I will never forget the fish and chips...I crave them daily now that we're back. The seafood is truly glorious there, especially the crab, and the halibut. On the wharf, fishing boats with colorful sails dot the shore like a tiny rainbow of toy boats seen from the bridge arching above it. We drove to Depoe Bay and went down a random street to these cliffs that overlooked the caverns in an enclave that were some of the most beautiful things I have ever seen. Green and mossy and black rock, with the grayest blue water engulfing the sides of the stone. Gorgeous! And we left the computer so we communicated freely (it was a little rough at first...but we soon slipped into the ease our friendship has always had) and had great one-on-one time.
Road trips have always been one of my favorite things to do when I'm with peaceful enjoyable company, and Chris truly is the best person to go on a road trip with because he let's me be silly and dorky and sing loudly to all the radio songs, and chat like a songbird, or just be silent for half hours at a time. We harmonize on songs, and hold hands and gush over each other like newlyweds. Fun fun!
When we arrived back in Bend, there was a steady stream of family visitors for the Fourth of July and on, which was wonderful as well.
We are full-steam into organizing this upcoming move back to California, and should be busy having garage sales and doing research on jobs etc, but have been delaying these things for the sake of "vacation". 
Anyhoo....happy summer to all of my readers (all 3 of you, wink wink) and my parting advice: Go enjoy the ones you love, in beautiful (or not) weather, let the sunshine fill you with hope of tomorrow and pleasure for today, and above all, know that God created all of this beauty for us to enjoy and share and to especially acknowledge His love and greatness. Peace and joy to you! xoxo