I bid 2012 farewell with a bit of tenderness and a heap of deep breaths. It did me well, but I am relieved to embark on a crisp, white page not yet scrawled on with tears, blood or pain. Not that the entire year was horrible... it was certainly one of the most noteworthy years yet in my 34 years. So much iron sharpening iron. So much storm, so many tears. Tons of changes. From January until this December, I tell ya.....I am so ready for a new season of laughter, joy, relaxation as far as my soul and mind go.
Most of you know that this last year was rough, mainly having to do with the things my husband went through, finding his biological father miraculously, and losing his faith. We also moved back to California in October, which has been a huge transformation as well. The children are homeschooling this year, and that has been an adjustment. What to say, when there seem to be so many events that have transpired and so many words, but which are the right ones to share on the internet? Hah.
We are co-living with a whole other family on beautiful, now verdant green acreage in the country about 7 minutes from the ocean. I am so thankful to live here, to be able to walk outside without freezing my extremities off in December. I am enjoying being "home" as far as the soil goes. My husband likes to say I am now like a tree planted back in its proper soil. My heart is happy.....or it should be.
Why does it seem the older I get the more cynicism attempts to creep in, like bleeding watercolors. I painted my canvas long ago, in bright, cheerful colors of crimson, fuchsia, yellow, bright greens and oranges, but then slowly reality crept in and faded the colors to grey, brown and smudgy mustards. I must make more of an effort to throw off this weighty blanket of what if's and never's and remind myself that the road ahead is still brightly lit with hope and dreams yet to be fulfilled.
This year, 2013, I don't dare to ask that you bring me all flowers and goodness because I know that would be mundane and ridiculous, for life brings all shades of emotions to paint the murals of our existence. But I do pray for renewed vision! I have been endowed with many pictures planted in my heart of things God has promised, and I still firmly believe that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living, as it says in Psalm 27. "I am still confident of this: that I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord." I ask for childlike faith in a world that caters to grownups with realism idealism and much injustice that would make us wish to be blind and deaf some days. If there are a few things I have taken away from this year, one is that expectation is merely a sketch in the masterpiece of what will unfold. The true beauty to life is supposed to be the unexpected turns and jaunts into places we have never ever gone, nor possibly hoped to. We are able to make the very best of the worst through Christ's redeeming guidance. This I know to be true. I have found His breath to be closer than my own, and His presence to be the deepest comfort in the midst of silence and times when I had no words at all. We all have our own personal level of withstanding pain, a different breaking point that we don't know until we are led up to it and relinquish or dive in. This year has been difficult, yes. But it did not knock me down, and I am still alive. And so are you.
I feel that this year is going to be one of life. Newness. Spring to the soul. I am expectant of wildflowers as far as the eye can see, wellness of heart, a bubbling over of good tidings. I am ready for a rebirth of sorts, and doors wide open that I never thought would be. My feet are on the brink of this road, and I am taking the first wobbly step.But I refuse to do so with old, stained clothes. Garments stained with cynicism and jaded with mistrust because trust was once breached. I am persistent that I will go about this new year with the garments of simplicity, joy, wonder and awe. As my husband wrote in a song, "All that I know, I don't really know." I am ready for God to surprise me, and fill me with all of the treasures His hand bestows into this clay jar, an empty vessel happy to be filled with the fresh waters of His love and faithfulness.
Happy New Year my kind friends. I hope it finds you like a child.
