Battling. Striving. Wrestling.
I thought it was in the name of prayer and in God's great interest that I have been weeping and interceding the way I have been. Until last night. I was again broken and frustrated and torn over some things that are going on in my life, and I was tossing and turning in my bed. Finally, because I didn't want to wake my sleeping husband with all of my inner turmoil and tears, I went out into the living room and flung my pitiful self on the carpet, weeping and beating my fists on the ground. "I know You want me to have Your peace and to trust You, BUT I don't know HOW God!!" I cried out repeatedly. The frustration has been pulsating through my entire being, and I am sure, evident to many, especially my husband, how distressed I have been lately. "I need Your peace and I have NO idea HOW to get it. You make it sound so simple, why is it so complicated, God? WHY?" My rant and tears continued for quite a while. "Cease striving Annie." A still small voice within me came. "I don't know how God." "I will teach you. Be still." I closed my eyes, and I saw in my mind, an eye. It was not scary or weird, but I kept focusing on the middle, the pupil. "I will keep you as the apple of my eye. You are safe. You can trust Me." His gentle words kept pouring over my heart. Why is it so hard to be still? This world is so noisy, we humans so busy, and it becomes the hardest thing in the world to simply quiet every part of your body, and then your mind, which is the hardest part, I think. The Lord kept telling me, "Take every thought captive unto My obedience, and I will cause you to have rest and to think upon things that are lovely and pure and true." Yes, Lord. I am so tired of meditating on things I cannot change, over and over and over again, and supposedly laying them down and then taking them back up again like a worry stone that I cannot seem to throw into the sea and forget.
When I let go, finally, and that is all I can explain it as..letting go, just falling into His arms at last, coming to the end of myself, was the best place I could be..He poured into me with the deepest form of tranquility I have ever experienced. Every part of me was still and focused on Him, but perfectly quiet, waiting. "This is how I want you." He said. "But I seem so useless, Lord. What do You want me to DO?" Isn't that the human way? We think He can't do the job well enough, so we step in with our futile ways and attempt to "fix" what looks broken. "I've GOT this Annie. This is all I want from you..Your complete stillness. Then I can work." Oh.....when we take ourselves out of the equation and TRULY trust that God can complete what He has begun..How He can work. We get in the way with our pride and our worries and frets and unbelief.
So, I'm sitting there like a meditating monk, head lifted a bit, gentle smile playing upon my lips..So this is joy. Joy isn't some ridiculous elation of the body and soul always, although at times, the dancing and giddiness that the Spirit brings is fun, it's true joy that I want. True joy comes when we release ourselves into God's presence FULLY, completely captivated by His love and goodness towards us, and we settle into the peace only He can bestow. Total tranquility of the soul; total clarity of Him + you...being ALL that you need.
And as I am sitting there on my floor, as still and joyful and peaceful as I have ever been in my life, I hear the sound of waves, gentle at first, fluid, continual. "What is that, Lord?" I ask. "That is the ocean. I am the waves, you are the sand. I am in motion. You are still. I come over you and comb you clean, perfectly. Your job is to wait and be still. Cease striving and KNOW I am God, that I can be trusted with the smallest trials and the biggest circumstances of your life. Then you experience true peace and are transformed in My likeness."
It dawned on me that all of this time I thought I had been praying and leaving my concerns with God, I hadn't trusted Him to take care of me, or the ones I love most, at all. I still thought I had to do it..that I had to somehow control the situation. Oh the peace that ensues when we truly let go and allow Him to come into the position of leader in our lives.
How simple...I just make myself be still, press into Him, and seek His presence..and He'll do ALL the rest? How can this be? But it is.
I feel with every fiber of my being the truth of this encounter. I know it to be true because I am changed today. My worries? Gone. My fretting and the nervous stomachache I have had since January? Vanished. And in their place: A gentle, freeing tranquility. A simple trust. A knowledge that my God, the Redeemer of my life, has full-control, and will not allow me to fall. He upholds me. So the verse comes to mind, and with it, the song.
"I lift up my eyes to the hills- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth. He will not let your foot slip- he who watches over you will not slumber nor sleep. The Lord watches over you- the Lord is your shade at your right hand; the sun will not harm you by day, nor the moon by night. The Lord will KEEP you from all harm- he will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore." Psalm 121
