Seasons

Gorge: chasm, divide, canyon, void, abyss, crevice, fissure, break, gulf, opening, schism, breach, falling-out.

The reason I put the definition for the word gorge above is because I have felt it often in life. In friendships mostly. It seems a friendship should be a never-ending ring of promise, kind of like what marriage is supposed to be like, but as marriages end bitterly or in a divorce caused by "Irreconcilable Differences", so do friendships sometimes.

Legal definition:

Differences between spouses that are considered sufficiently severe to make married life together more or less impossible. In a number of states, irreconcilable differences is the accepted ground for a no-fault divorce. As a practical matter, courts seldom, if ever, inquire into what the differences actually are, and routinely grant a divorce as long as the party seeking the divorce says the couple has irreconcilable differences. Compare incompatibility; irremediable breakdown...

Translation: We once were crazy about each other, enough to get hitched for "life", but now, we just cannot find the bridge that once joined my country to yours emotionally or physically.

Sometimes friendships also feel as if (or actually do end up) they come to the fork in the road as well. It has happened in my life. For example, when I was in high school, there was this girl and we were inseparable, no joke. We spent the night at each others houses incessantly, did every thing imaginable together, etc. But suddenly her true colors came out and she was this jealous, bitter person if I branched out and made other friends (which I did), and it came to the point where I felt I had to decide between HER and being a normal person who held more than one relationship. Hence the big breakup. It was hard, but such a relief. Like a breath of fresh air, a clean start. I did this many times thereafter, mostly with boys though. Jealous friends are way freakier somehow than a jealous boyfriend. It's just...awkward and somehow very Single White Female-ish. You have to make the break. For health reasons of course. Mental health. Ha.

So I come to my point. Sometimes..inevitably, your country no longer joins to the other person's country at no fault of your own, or theirs for that matter, it's just seems to be a natural occurrence in life. You drift apart, or you move, or you get married and have nothing in common with that person anymore. It is a mournful event, and pictures taunt you, making you sorry it had to happen, but nonetheless it is natural. Sad, but natural. What do you do with all of the memories you made together? Disneyland trips? Shared confidences? Crushes? Wedding pictures? Hopes, dreams, all the rest? Count it as lost and wasted hours that you could have been doing...what? Something more productive than practicing at being a good friend, throwing caution to the wind in order to make alliances? I think not. Every friendship, whether it has stood the test of time (which is very much a fire that tests the precious metals of our very fiber), or one that ended up crumbling until you no longer call, write, visit, care, is worth the investment if at the time we feel it is worth investing in.

I have many friendships in my life that I feel were much better at one point. And then I start to wonder, worriedly, if I could have somehow done things differently to keep the momentum it once had. The intrigue may be gone, and just like in some marriages, you let down your guard so much that you simply "fell out of love" (which, for the record, is a statement I honestly despise for it's obvious cliche' and shallow connotations) with your friend. Simply, friendships on any level take work. They, just like marriages, are not unlike a garden which must be weeded, watered and tended carefully and thoughtfully. There are times when we decide, whether consciously or not, that that particular friendship is no longer worth the emotional effort. They don't respond the way they once did or whatever. We just lost interest maybe, or our insecurities get the better of us and we think they are "over us". Maybe they've changed, maybe we have, maybe something, who knows? The blue sky just no longer shines on our friendship. Do we give up? Throw in the towel? Move on discreetly, or make some big, confrontational deal out of it where there is no hope but to leave hurt, battered and confused? I come to my conclusion. I USED to be a person who would do this. I would sidle away, whistling nonchalantly, making my exit, taking my final bow, or take them to coffee and say Goodbye, this is no longer working out, it's been real... Okay, maybe not so easily, but still. NOW, I do not feel I have this option, and rather than being a restraint to my come and go easily, gypsy friend approach, it is satisfying to know that if Jesus was not a person Who would cast off Judas (JUDAS!! betrayer, back-stabber, fool!) from his friend list, than I no longer have that option either. I am His, and if He wants me to invest in every person He has lovingly placed in my realm of relational scope, than invest I will. If they choose to leave me in the dust, will I shake the dust off of my feet and move on in the opposite direction, giving furtive guilt-laden glances in their general path whenever we find ourselves in the uncomfortable position of being in the same place, same time, accidentally? Or will I avoid altogether that role of breaker-upper... I am rambling. Yes, this is what I do. I get this crazy idea for a blog finally, and I thought I knew exactly what I was going to say, that when a friendship seems to be ending, you politely excuse yourself, you call it a night, a season has come to an end, and you go. But as I am writing this, I find that Jesus, even through my rantings, has commandeered this so-called conversation into a more pleasing way for His glory. Just as I would never willingly cast off my marriage as hopeless, I would not allow a friendship that I have poured myself into to dwindle. You do not let go, you do not look for release, when it comes to friends, they have become FAMILY, especially when they too are believers. You hold on for dear life, you ask God to breathe fresh life into that entity, and you pour every ounce of LOVE into that person, because that, my friends, is what God would want from us. That is what He would do. So there's that.

A dream

I have been remembering my dreams in perfect clarity lately, and it just proves, due to memory, that we do in fact dream in colour. I had a dream last night that I was standing in calf-high water, seemingly the ocean, very clear water, and three snakes came wriggling towards me. Each one was like 3 or 4 crayons had melted together, that was the vivid colour of their slick bodies. I was trying to get away from them because they seemed menacing after a moment. They surrounded me, but somehow I managed to get out of the water. What is it about dreams where it is always a rarity that you can make your legs run? It was like slow motion trying to get out of the water and came across as more of a stroll out of it and away from the impending danger of the snakes.
I wonder what this means?

Freedom

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3GI7dXYO5Ks

Why I'm A Christian

Some people were born into families that were Catholic or Christian, and fanatical about it. Or they were born into a family where the people were Atheist, or Buddhist, or whatever. I was born into a family that believed in God, and to some degree went to church and enforced loose rules of following Jesus. But then both my dad and mom went their own ways for awhile, so I was left to make my own decisions regarding faith.
I believed in a Higher Power, and believed always that some ONE had to have created our complex earth and all that thrived, good or bad, upon it. It's just that my view of WHO it was varied over the years of searching.
When I was little, I just believed that I was being watched over. When I was a teenager, I got into drugs, and I KNEW I was being watched. I felt the eyes even, or especially, when I was high on acid or some horrible hallucinogen that I thought I'd never come down from. They were not eyes of judgment, but they did not approve of what I was doing to myself. They were not eyes of anger, but they had a better plan for my body than the destruction I was reigning on my self. I recall looking in the mirror many times, high on something, hardly there on earth, and seeing this face, desperate for something to ground me, to shoot an arrow through the kite I was flying on in the winds of what I called adventure but now know to be a downward torrent of pain and self-destruction. I know that it was this lifestyle that brought me to my knees quicker than could have been the case. For me, drugs opened up my spiritual eyes to see the great evil that ruled that world. Many times I saw the darkness as if it were the reality, and I knew God was beckoning me to the light.
I am not a Christian because that is what I flocked to first. I am because I searched out all other pathways and asked God to show me His ultimate way. I was at one point avidly into astrology, and followed it as if it was a bible of guidance for my entire life. Pathetic, I know.
I was also very intrigued by witchcraft. I tinkered with Buddhism. I thought I could get away with "spirituality", in other words, just believing half-truths about Jesus being a good man, and being a good person who lived a life full of good deeds...lots of "good" in an otherwise jaded, rusting world. The only reason I am a Christian, to begin with, is that when I'd lay in my bed at night and assess my lifepath, I'd feel this rushing sense of un-peace. Like I wasn't quite there. I was close, but He had a better way. It turns out it is a better way, even though it is a narrow path. He led me into the fullness of His truth, and it was all the words of the Bible. The Jesus of the Bible. The One who said, "I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me." In John 14.
I am a Christian because it is the only way my soul found peace, true, unfettered, restful peace that flowed into my soul like liquid gold in the form of endless love, endless grace, mercy, and an empowerment I never thought I would have.

High Desert Museum

Claustrophobia

Beckah came over yesterday, and we decided, since it was free day at the High Desert Museum, that we would venture there and have a fun day exploring the wonders there. BOY did we misjudge....we got there and there were cars and different vehicles parked all along the driveway up to the actual parking lot, but we persevered and found a spot close to the entrance. People were pouring into it like it was...free....oh yeah.

We stayed maybe an hour, and many things were not a possibility due to the CRAZY amount of humans swarming the place. I felt what it must feel lie to be an ant in an anthill. SO MANY FREAKING PEOPLE......

In the inside division of the museum, there are all of these 1800's displays, and usually it is my favorite part (besides the otter, of course...it's name is Thomas and he's usually so playful and happy-go-lucky you cannot help but giggle at his antics..) but the inside was so congested with people, and it's pretty dark in there, that I immediately started getting a panic attack and hyperventilating from Claustrophobia, that we hunted out the nearest exit and took it. It led us straight through the butterfly exhibit, which would have been so awesome, if the volunteers hadn't just gone on their smoke break, filling the already 85 degree (yes. Hot as HELL, after being used to 35-45 degree weather this Winter) with the stench of cigarette smoke in the misty and coagulated room. We bolted towards the doors to the outside division of the museum, and AHHHH, filled our lungs with the sweet scent of pine and chill weather (although warmish compared to our current weather, according to Becks, "A heat wave!" haha.)
and the sweetest scent of all...no squealing children, shoving parents, shuffling feet of the elderly, etc.
I HATE crowds!!!!
It could have been a really fun time...IF there were not so many humans. I know that may sound cold-hearted, but c'mon, I think as people, we all share one common-thread...We all enjoy the expanse of being one of few people within a space so that we don't have to fight for our air supply and elbow room. It's not too cold-hearted to want the foot space to be able to walk freely where you want to go without standing in a huge line. It's just the way we are.
That said, it was really cool of the High Desert Museum to have a free-day, it was just overrated, I think I would definitely prefer to pay the over-priced fee to go in, if I can walk through the place without worrying about losing my 4-year old in a crowd of thousands. Just sayin......

Once upon a time there was a girl...

So, it may be hard for some to imagine this, but once, I was a girl who was young, and carefree and full of dreams. Lately I have been feeling like a washed-out, exhausted, dreamless, hopeless mother and wife with no imagination.
I mean lately, as in, the last couple of years. But in the last month or so, I feel that I am returning to my roots, and starting to dream again, and hope, and have some pretty crazy faith. I believe that it was on hold because I wasn't creatively and passionately seeking after my Jesus. He is really the dream-bestower, the hope-renewer, and the faith-infiltrator. I have been attempting to gather up my energy and pour it more fully into serving Him. Obeying His voice, listening for the quiet instruction, and going where He leads. I want to be on an adventure in this life, and I know I can only truly embark on this adventure if I allow Him to be the guide and one who forges ahead of me.
I have heard many exploits and endeavors, by people who allow the Holy Spirit to lead them wherever they go, and I want that badly! Graham Cooke is one of those people, he is plunging ahead and going where many have not dared to go, and I want to be ready at Christ's command, whether it be into the dark alleys to shed some light, or down the street to a lonely neighbor's house to bring some cookies and conversation. I long to be less internal and more loving outwardly.
This will only be good and lasting if I first give my efforts and energy to Jesus as an offering of worship from my firstfruits. He is worthy of the first of our finances, the first of our time, and the first of our outpouring of life each day.
So, whoever is my friend and loves me, will hold me accountable to this calling. True worship is placing Him first, and my greatest desire as a human and Christ-follower, is to be a true worshiper. I love Him, and I want it to show. amen?

I just spent the last hour of my life trying to figure out how to re-do my blog, and ended up with something I still am not happy with at all. I am super frustrated!