Say a little prayer

Yesterday I discovered evidence of termites on my new bedroom floor behind the door. I got so pissed. I became all negative and discouraged and said some stupid things when Chris asked why I was so upset. Granted, I am a bit overtaxed from bad sleep habits of late, and non-stop moving-in-stuff, but still. It was silly. I said things like, "Why can't we just live in a place that doesn't have something gross wrong with it?!" and when my husband pointed out that we get to choose how we look at something that seems bad as just that, or as a means to rise above and still be thankful, I responded with a less than gracious answer. But. Such is life. My imperfection remains an obvious character flaw. I'm trying here, alright? 
I went into my daughter's room, which is perfectly put in place and clean at almost all times of every day. (Wonder where she gets that from, hmm?) She has a thankful bucket. Not a thankful jar. It's a big tin bucket where when you walk in her room, the rule is, you have to jot down one thing each time that you are thankful for on these little slips of paper she has then drop it into the thing. I stood there, alone in her room, with the pen hovering over the tiny piece of paper, drawing a blank. A blank, after God has obviously set us up in our own brand new cool barn house, in the country, with my healthy family, my doting and lovely husband, etc. But after a moment of self-abasement over that fact I realized that I wasn't not thankful, I had too many things I could list that I could be thankful for, but were not readily available in my mind because of my perspective.
I dumped out all of the little folded up pieces of thankfulness from her bucket and read every single one of them. I was teary as I read the last one: I am thankful for mama. My child is thankful for me. Messy, temperamental, easily-irritated at times, ME. 
I wrote my little message on my blank slip, folded it and placed them all back into the bucket.
I went out onto our deck and sat in a chair with my bible and my journal, and not feeling at all like praying, I said a prayer that aligned with what I had written down: I am thankful for miracles. With a little quote I adore: Impossibility is the atmosphere surrounding a miracle.I kind of desperately cried out to God to see evidence of His miracles today.
Impossibility is the atmosphere surrounding a miracle? Which means my whole life is a miracle. My husband's life is a miracle. Each one of my kids' lives are miracles. The fact that we have a roof over our heads and exist, and dwell on the Central Coast in one of the most expensive places in America is indeed a miracle. I felt hope trickle into my cold heart. Thankfulness at all of this crazy goodness melted my icy thoughts and poured life-giving truth back in where I had allowed doubt and going through the motions to be my guide. It was so nice to know how quickly we can be refreshed if we just simply take even a few moments to sit still and fix our thoughts on a positive, prayerful place. 

Suddenly, everything became more colorful for me once again. The birds seemed to sing a little clearer and sweeter. The breeze felt like it was blowing new fragrance into me, and my heart lifted a little. Hope is an interesting thing. The Bible says: A hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life. Proverbs 13:12. I have had so many longings fulfilled. I have also had many longings not yet fulfilled. But I also believe not everything is answered right away in the timing we expect. God works in a different time zone or higher manner that is hard to comprehend at times. 

It was definitely not my choice to be without a home, floating around to different houses all summer long, but the end result was that the house we have ended up with is first of all, multiple times better than any place we were placing our applications in for, and that it just wasn't completed until almost the end of summer. Our finite minds couldn't have anticipated that outcome at the time, but I really feel strongly that God knew. Everything falls into place the way it is supposed to, in the best possible way, usually, if we can trust that. Trust in a Higher purpose than we can conceive of. Trusting the ultimate faithfulness of a God who promises good things to His kids.

I left the solace of the deck to go and pick up a free couch that a good friend of mine had hooked us up with. Her dad was giving it away and she thought it would look good in our house. I showed up with my friend Melissa in her little truck, and the couch was in perfect condition, and Pottery Barn, so very nice. We got back on the road to unload it into the house, and there was this older couple standing by the side of the golf course with their hazards on. Melissa stopped and asked if they were okay, as the man leaned against his cane. The woman approached the truck and told us she was taking pictures of the Jeep to sell on craigslist. I looked back at the car and kind of freaked out, because my car has been threatening to die and not making it up hills, in need of a head gasket and new transmission, which would cost more than the car itself is worth. I had been specifically searching for a Jeep, because our new property is bumpy and dusty, but it had to be in the three thousand range, which I came to believe was impossible for a Jeep in good condition. I had recently prayed, "Lord, You're just going to have to put one (a car) right into my direct path because I honestly have no idea how to do this."

I jumped out of the truck, and jogged to the couple displaying their Jeep for pictures. It was beautiful. The engine, perfectly detailed and spotless as though no one has driven the thing. I asked how much they were asking, to which she replied, "$2,700." WHAT. I told them I was going to be the one who buys their car. She laughed and he looked at me and said, "I never say no to a pretty girl." There are more details, which were uncanny, and I am taking it for a test drive and giving a deposit today. I am so excited! It was crazy! I had to share...just what a tiny, little prayer can do to change things in one day. I am a firm believer in this season as one of New Beginnings, cliche' or not, I have been finding it to be true, and I hope that you will too.

Birds

The sky is flawless - not a fluffy cloud in sight. The birds sing, chatter, rustle, feast on bugs in the trees, and make their enchanting chorus in undulating waves of sound. Then, all of the birds quiet down as one solitary bird calls out in pulsing rhythm - (Maybe he's the preacher bird) - but it's short and seemingly to the point, the way a good word should be, and afterward all the other birds once more join in, singing and whistling and sweetly humming their birdsong worship.
Nature is a sanctuary to my soul. It unravels all of the confusion and anxiety, setting it all free to the breeze, carrying all of the pettiness, the mind-war and negative thoughts, away from me, so far away.
The trees are filled with all of the life-breathing joys and beauties, the plants, the grass, wildflowers, weeds, vines, moss, all gently co-existing in peaceful harmony.
The beasts of the field and birds of the air, the creatures in the sea and rivers, all caught up in a euphony that resembles a dance celebrating the uniqueness and unity that are so exquisitely woven together making a life-force, which, if studied, examined, meditated upon, sung and written about, form such a perfect example of how we inhabitants of earth should conduct ourselves and exist.
Then my mind goes to how wonderful it is that each hair on our heads is numbered, each grain of sand accounted for. How loved, how precious we each are to the Creator. Each one of us contain gifts only we can share. I find peace in knowing that I was made in a particular, well-thought-out pattern.
I am not a bird, though I admit I have envied them at times; I am not a turtle or a cow. I happen to be a human, an American female, born light-eyed and pale-skinned, in these times, no mistake, no choice in the matter. There is no use pining to be someone or something different than who I am, (though I do admit to wasting my energy on this at times) unless it's in my conduct, attitude, or beliefs and the way I carry out those creeds in my life with more boldness, acceptance, gentleness, love, kindness. Our greatest good is done when we embrace our true selves, and let that inner-embrace spill over into the way we treat others, especially they who are different than us. That is the beauty of this life - the contrasts, that we are NOT exactly alike, thankfully! How dull would be our days if we all looked alike and believed the same.

a poem:
We are drenched
in our own desires
intertwined in our tendencies
driven mad by our expectations
closed-in by the American dream
our houses are our coffins
we're buried deep in debt
the cars that we drive
end up in rusted heaps
Our educations un-school us
from simply being free
unrestrained by derision, division
to believe is to see?
Cast off imaginations
like cattle wandering off cliffs
we walked blinded to our deaths
creativity halted

embers:
the furnace within my chest
is full with ash and embers
the reason why it burns
i can't hardly remember
I shovel coal atop it
and stir the fire so soft
not one flicker escapes the bricks
to cause my friends to cough
but this burning inside my heart
is flowering out of bounds
don't know how to contain it
before it gathers into mounds.