Sandcastle

Am I a writer or do I just enjoy scribbling my thoughts on paper as a form of feeling real? Am I good enough as a mom and a wife, or do I have to find some other passion so that I am better in this life? I have been asking myself this question: Why do we as humans NEED to have titles to feel accomplished and a sense of belonging to one group or another? It is curious. My husband has been going from Spirit-filled worship leader to doubting to atheist to questioning to?? For years now, as I ride the roller coaster of his mind wanderings and sometimes mockeries on my steadfast faith in God I have had time to wonder about many things and why we do certain things, and if it is indeed healthy or not. I have observed as he lamented over feeling dis-included from certain groups of friends and invitations merely because of his unbelief. At first I was hurt and aimed my hurt at him. After all, HE was the one who was making these decisions and making them so very public, right? But then I grew curious. WHY? Why, if we call ourselves TRUE friends would we stop associating with someone who was either questioning or hurting or even striking out? Are we not to befriend and remain? I want answers. I suppose we are all people who want to be with others who believe just like us, because it makes us feel safe. We can reside in padded little bubbles of our own associations, affirmed and reaffirmed that we are in the right and everyone on the outside of our belief system is incorrect. Maybe we don't even realize we are doing it. I know I didn't until my husband began this journey. I have gone through every emotion a human can possibly experience in this situation. It may not seem like a big deal to some but to me it has been the most difficult thing I have ever gone through. And also the best.

I have felt betrayal, intense anger, sorrow to the point of despair at the brokenness of no longer being able to connect on a spiritual level with my best friend. I've felt like giving up and throwing in the towel in the hopes that that would give me reprieve. And then realized that more than anything would kill me. I had to bury the man I thought I loved and re-ignite a fire of love for the man I am now married to. This may sound dramatic, but it has been true. It would not be fair to expect him, if I truly loved him for life, to be the man he once was when it was entirely impossible. It's more than a choice, these life changes are inevitable, just maybe not always to this degree... At first it started with me choosing to keep the vow. The vow I made at an altar where I promised to love him in good times and bad. In sickness and in health. Til death do us part. I took and take these promises very seriously, in a world where these fragmented sentences are used flippantly by people who try to make things work but give up when it gets hard. Things have gotten more than hard in our marriage. They've gotten downright constricting. And don't get me wrong, I have considered and weighed all alternatives. I could say that it's a good thing we are both very stubborn people who came from broken families, and our willpower alone has been the driving force to keep us together when it would seem there is nothing to talk about, or that the awkwardness of not seeing eye to eye on huge issues attempted to tear us apart, and almost did many times. I feel it is something even more. I feel powerful that against all odds, we remain, and have gotten to a place through the opposition and defensive emotions, where we can almost talk about anything candidly without getting too bent out of shape. The storms have swept over us, over this castle we have built with our own hands, out of love and memories and shared likes and concerns and passions, and we stand. 

It is no small thing in this day when a marriage remains when everyone or everything tells you to flee, and longtime friends desert you, or stray from your daily life because it's too uncomfortable for them to bend or change or try to see things from someone else's point of view. I am so thankful that we have experienced all that we have. Because it has proven to me that I am strong. Yes, God in me is strong. I have stood still when everything within me instinctively wanted to take flight and run to the furthest corners of the earth at what I could not comprehend. It has also taught me to question the titles and stereotypes that we place ourselves under like a shield. Yes, I call myself a Christian, I do not deny this. I call myself married. I call myself many things that I guess one cannot help but call oneself in an attempt to define who I am. But the things like not feeling good enough unless I'm accomplished as a "something" such as writer, artist, etc. I won't do anymore. The other day my husband said to me,"I don't know what I am." and everything within me just thought,"You don't have to! Just BE. You are perfect, and there is more to be revealed." What a wild journey we are on, to learn to love..Unconditionally (what does THAT mean? without condition...no matter what). To  befriend..Steadfastly. That means when things get rough or those you love grow confused or change or drift or strike out in hurt, you don't leave. You dig in your heals, you push back your sleeves, and you embrace. You get closer, so that that person who is searching for the answers to mysterious questions that none of us have solid answers to feel the warmth of our presence and know in some small way that they are not alone. That's all we really want anyways, is not to feel alone. Not to be deserted when we differ from the crowd. Not to be ostracized when we straggle from some path of assurance. It's hard to see God. He's invisible. But it's easy to see people. And we can show God to people who have had temporary blindness. We show them with our kindness. With our friendship. With talking and not growing angry when they don't come to the same conclusions. By extending our hand and holding theirs. This is love that covers and unites and sees past titles to faces and to hearts. This is love like Jesus loves.

After thought: I just want to add that though it may sound like I am trying to trump my wifely accomplishments in "Remaining" in my marriage as though it is a duty, that is the farthest thing from the truth. It is a joy and an honor to be Chris's wife. He is an amazingly sensitive, talented, deep human who still "gets me" more than anyone else on this earth. He is my best friend and it is easy and a delight being by his side in this world no matter our differences. I am grateful, in all ways that he has also remained with me though I am not always a picnic to be married to. It is such a privilege to be chosen not just once, enough to be proposed to, or to be vowed to on our wedding day, but the fact that he picks me every day to love and be with astounds me. If you read this, my love, this is what I want you to know: Thank you. For being mine and letting me remain yours. x

Wanderlust

The rain and thick gray sky brings many thoughts, many forlorn or melancholy sometimes. Especially when one is stuck at home with no car and a back that has somehow gone out once again. It has become very frustrating that every time I get motivated to exercise I end up hurting my back no matter how gently I resume the activity. I suppose I will be stuck with this spare tire around my stomach for the rest of my life at this rate! Agh, but how petty is this concern. It is reasonably easy to hide under flowy shirts and sweaters in this type of weather. It's the summer that really poses the vanity issue. I haven't worn a bathing suit in years. I am found donning shorts once every two months maybe. What silliness. Who cares anyway? It's ridiculous. I wish I was more uninhibited about small things. Why do I have to be so insecure, analytical and overly-observant about the little things? I would rather suffer in squelching heat by wearing long-sleeved shirts and pants than wear shorts or a skirt and be comfortable with my extreme paleness and bit of extra love. What a silly girl.
Enough about that. Many things are overcome late in life, and that is one thing on my list to get over.
Besides, currently it's raining and windy and I am holed up on a cozy bed in a cozy house in sweats, doing my favorite thing. Writing.
I was in the shower (where all of my most profound revelations seem to be birthed, must have something to do with the nudity or something, and when I say profound I mean completely useless observations usually, but occasionally a brilliant thought might be lit,) and began to think about death. Okay, yes, on dreary days I do lean towards being a tad sulky and perhaps even depressed, but I don't think this thought really came from a dark place in the recesses of my brain, just, there have been so many strange, sudden deaths lately. Then I thought to myself, no, that's wrong, it's not LATELY, it's always been. People go along thinking they will live forever, or that they will somehow have fair warning of it, or that it will be in old age, but then tomorrow never comes for so many. There is no time to say goodbye to your loved ones and estranged friends or family. All we have is this moment, right here. Right now. Even knowing this fact, yes, FACT. That death is imminent, and none of usually know the day it will occur, we plod along complaining and not looking around at the world around us, except for the bubble we live in, putting our hand to the plow, one foot before the other, not loving the people nearest to us well enough, not noticing them how they are today, looking at our reflections in the bathroom mirror and only seeing the flaws and not the beauty, breathing, but not really, living, but really not truly living. I know this may not be true of many, but it is certainly true of some, and when we see someone break out of that mold, we are INSPIRED in the deepest parts of our being, and we say to ourselves,"I want THAT. I want to be something. I want to live and reach and leap and believe, and LOVE and see, really see." Take the movie The Secret Life of Walter Mitty for instance. Normal, almost boring, average guy with a knack for daydreaming. He gets that extra little push he needs to go from ordinary to living freely and taking chances. I think it takes something different for us to decide to take that leap of faith and live life more loudly. Some don't want that, and that's okay too. I am mainly addressing myself and the untapped dreams lying dormant in my soul. Also, others who maybe read my little blog who might feel the same. Like there are so many things we could do to challenge ourselves, to go beyond the norm of what we have grown so accustomed to..But we remain planted in our safe little spot, in our safe little bubble, not wanting to take the chance that we might fall, or fail, or get hurt, or realize the things we loved the most or were most passionate about actually suck too. We are afraid to live because we're afraid to die. Whether inwardly, outwardly, or realistically. My dream, my passion, is to travel, to see Europe in full, to go places, and to write about it. To sample the foods, to smell the different aromas each new place is bathed in, to take beautiful photographs of these places, not to brag or boast or have notches on my belt, but because I want to learn, and I know people are the best teachers, also, experiencing new things is the key to never growing stagnant. I want to raise my children to be free and filled with wanderlust, and extremely comfortable in their own perfectly flawed skin. I wish to give them the room to ask crazy questions that may not be answered in this lifetime, fuel for their imaginations, while still guiding their way as best I can as a mother. I want to be the friend my husband deserves in a wife.
I say this often in my bloggings, I know, that I want to dream and be as carefree as a child. But still embrace the beauty of being an adult who has gone through trials and lived, and has the scars, wrinkles, battle wounds to prove it. After all, there is no regret in getting out there and trying and doing and seeing if the wings we hear so much about (in our souls of course) are real, if they really work when we leap out of the nest. If death IS indeed imminent, why should we hold back from being adventurers and experiencers, for living ridiculously, unabashedly(perhaps foolishly at times, while still implicating God-given wisdom) free? For taking the seeds of dreams inside us that are maybe pushed so far down in unwatered soil that they lie forgotten and passed over, and cultivating them so tenderly and meticulously that they spring to the surface once more and expose themselves to the world in rainbow shades of originality and eccentricity. How? I don't know. I have yet to find out the extra push in my case, but I intend to give a fierce effort if given the chance. This pathetically aged baby bird intends to roll myself, if need be, from the soft warm nest of my safe borders and into dangerous territory where my underused wings may or may not work properly. But I do intend to try. I suggest you do as well.

A Fresh Day

Today is a fresh, new day. Yesterday's hardship and tears are washed away in the light of a new dawn. Thankfully.
I am reminded of my need to be more vigilant in the season I am in to cultivate my faith like a mother bird spreading her wings over her newly-birthed babies. I need to pursue peace, and to keep my mind focused on Jesus and His goodness and faithfulness, His largeness of power and presence, to keep a mindset of purity, prayerful in belief, my heart pressing into love, moment by moment if need be.
TRUST: not in any human, not in myself, especially not my feelings, which dictate so much of what I do, but in God alone.
REMEMBER: His unfailing, tender guidance of my life thus far, and my path led by His light. I can let go and be filled with a complete sense of tranquility even in the midst of confusion, uncertainty and turmoil.
PRESS ON: you cannot go back and live in past triumphs (though they encourage and build up from what they did for me in that time), nor can I dream incessantly of what if's and maybe's of the future- but I have control only over what my attitude, choice of thoughts and mindset will be, and my response to life's up's and down's in a spirit of love are. I embrace His grace in my weaknesses, which are constant. I will bless the Lord at all times, choosing obedience to Him even when it is painful or humiliating. I will love fiercely those dear humans who He has entrusted to my care, trying to keep at bay offense, anger, and complaints so that instead I uplift, bless and elevate them to higher places.
I choose to be free like a child. A child does not analyze everything seemingly suspicious in a deceptive effort to self-protect. They entrust themselves fully to the mature adults in their lives. How much more, if I really believe God is good and He is for me, can I submit myself with abandon to His loving care and keep the hope alive that He will do what He has promised and work all of these "impossible" kinks out to His great glory?
He keeps reminding me of how much bigger He is than any of the obstacles or losses this world present. He holds Chris in His hand still, His love pouring out on the lost ones, the wanderers, seekers,sleeping amnesiacs, and the ones He calls His own, and He will have the final word. And it will be great indeed!

Here is a paragraph that has given me a lot of comfort and joy today and in my past:
Delayed answers to prayer are not refusals. Many prayers are received and recorded, yet underneath are the words,"My time has not yet come." God has a fixed time and an ordained purpose, and He who controls the limits of our lives also determines the time of our deliverance."

There is no guilt or shame when you are His. When you know Him, you start to know this fully. That the more you think you know of Him, the more mystery seems to evolve. But there He is, in between every thought and pressing against our hearts gently, no further than the echo our heartbeats make as they thud on the inside of our chests. He is there in the breath, in the tears, and in the gasps we make while laughter fills our mouths. Closer still than any friend or any THING. I am so thankful that He never leaves me.

Storm Watching

This morning began a bit more frazzled than an ordinary day, due to having to take Chris to work because a large rainstorm is expected today! In California we get immensely excited over the notion of rainfall. How we need a good MONTH of rain here to water this land of drought and cause the grass to grow green for all of the poor thirsty woodland creatures devastating people's gardens in placement of their forest food, for the pretty flowers to spring up and color the roadsides, to fill the dried banks and rivers, streams and lakes that are bone dry. So we have been anticipating this storm since Sunday, seeing it on the weather horizon. We prayed for rain at church!
Today we awoke and I immediately peeked out of the blinds in my room to see if there was any progress, a huge downpour or at least storm clouds... hoping it wasn't going to be like an Elijah situation where we truly had to believe in faith that rain was coming. Thankfully, though there was little precipitation, the gray clouds had gathered and blocked out any smidgen of sunlight or blue sky, which loves to remain here in our new home.
So, I have been singing "Open the floodgates of heaven and let it rain!" intermittently today. All I want to do on this day is write, read, pray, maybe have some tea with cream, and storm watch. Bliss.
Some days I feel a tad guilty for my life which most of the time gives me great pleasure. I was thinking on Monday, after I dropped off the children at school and drove to San Luis Obispo to run some errands then on my way back, decided to stop at the beach to gaze from the sand at the waves and feel the sunshine and just relish sweet time, that I am SO thankful for my life which is terribly lacking in agenda currently....but that I am so content in. I started to feel a little guilty, and I talked to God a bit about this, and He said, "Rest. I want you to rest. There will be time to rush about and work, but this season is for soaking. So enjoy it." Ahhhh...well alright then, Abba. I will!!! I will enjoy lavishing in Your radiant presence and reaching out for You, knowing You are near. I will enjoy cleaning my house that never seems to get clean but only a little sparklier, I will enjoy my silence and writing, and planning meals for my sweet family, and thinking kind thoughts about people, loving our neighbors, I will enjoy this golden, glorious, season of autumn and  getting a little fatter than any other season because there is BAKING and eating and being happy.
I had been so downcast so much of the time, that I just feel so damn free to smile, and relinquish concerns (big and small) unto the much more able lap of the Lord. To trust. To sit. To know. And not to cry long hours anymore, at least for a while! I now fully see the rainbow, taste the goodness, though my answers to certain extremely important prayers have not come to pass yet, I know they will, and I have embraced the promise in place of the fact before my eyes...not in naivety or blindness, but in obedience, for this is what God has asked of me. Okay. So My heart soars. I am basking.

Eagles Fly Solo

I'm learning to be by myself. To be okay with hearing my own thoughts throughout the day and going places by myself. To recap, I have done this, and appeared normal, I assume, whilst going about these routine things, but inwardly was freaking out and totally not okay being by myself. At least especially while in places where other people were. It's ironic because I am not necessarily an extrovert at all. I am definitely more of an introvert. I like people, I do. But I am most refreshed while alone, in nature or in my house.
Maybe I am becoming more natural in this discovery because now, more than ever, I am aware of how not alone I am. I am comforted by the nearness of God, and the sense of His breath on my life like a sweet mist encompassing my every move. I sense His favor on me like a dew from heaven softly falling like a veil around me, yet not shrouding me in darkness or obscurity but a beautiful light surrounding me. I see His fingerprint everywhere I go. The breeze in the trees like His whisper blowing through the leaves, as the birds sing their chorus to Him. Such glory. The prism of colors painting the scenery like a brush of watercolors over a regular scenario, brightening and invigorating everything.
As I become more aware of Him in me and less aware of me, life is truly beautiful and worth living.
I am reminded that birds of a feather flock together, but eagles soar above and almost always solo. Even though they mate for life, rarely is that mate flying with them. Isaiah 40:31

The Greatest of These

Real love says, not, 'show me love and I will stay and love you', nor even 'I'm going to love you no matter what, so treat me well', BUT it says,"Do what you will to me,no matter what, I will ALWAYS love you. You are worth it."
You can spew hateful words at me. You can yell at me. You can put up seemingly impenetrable walls so that conversation is nearly impossible. Push me to the edge. Threaten my deepest core of faith. I will love you.
You are worth it.
This is what Jesus says to us. This is even what Jesus says to the lost. Do what you will, I will yet love you. You are Mine.
Real love is able to pervade through any wall, any hurt, any shell we place around ourselves. God is love, and we His people are to be merely spouts from His great, unlimited source.
Love today. You will not regret it.

Why so intense?

Last night:
I hear the sound of the clock, ticking
My heart, beating
My tears, falling
The subtle sound of people, sleeping
Shifting, breathing
Time is a ruthless force, never ending
Life is sorrow and disappointment mingled in my cup
Time is coming to an end
The sound of weeping
A sea of tears we swim in
Forced smiles, liquidated dreams
Placed these flowers of desire in a bottle
In a book, and pressed the pages shut
Flattened like the tires of a vehicle that was on its way
To places in one's mind, travelings stunted
A person never met
Left at the station surrounded by faces but completely alone
I go alone, though I am with you
An isolated path, sounds in my ears
Then silence

Today:
Life is NOW
I am born today and my life starts now
The grass is fresh, the clouds are overhead
The sun streams in like rainbows through a prism
Into my windows, the light in my soul
Here it begins, the plunge, the force
The joy of breath, the excitement of unwritten pages
White but waiting the black of ink
The story, still untold but anticipated
Anything you want, behold
The eye on the prize
Your dreams an egg uncracked
The bliss of expectancy
A newborn bird with wings unfolded
Standing at the edge of the branch,
Ready to take the chance
Will these wings fly?
Or will I fall
Fail
Break once again
The chance is here
Will I take it?
Perfect love casting out fear
And when the feather is plucked
Floating in a spiral to the floor of the forest
I soar, not looking back to the nest
The jumping off place of nevermore.

Contrast. Emotionalism. Last night, I wept uncontrollably, my tears wet my face as if I had jumped into the depth of a lake and splashed there awhile in my own despair. Life feels over, like I had lost my chance and given up.
Today, fresh feelings, fresh start, optimism beneath my wings, and I am prepared, the voice within me says,"You stand, cornered, terrified to go out of My will, but every endeavor you make is in Me. Perfect love casts out all fear. You go, I am with you. If you, in your path were to go astray, I would gently let you know. Live the life of purpose you are meant to live. Go, and I go with you."
Last night I was held down by my sorrow over disconnections felt in my soul because my husband and I are on such different pages, so I over-analyze and weave myself a web so tight and daunting that I have trapped myself and made myself the prey, unknowingly preparing the feast which is me.
Eating myself for dinner, in self-pity. How disgusting. How ridiculous. But how real the dark is in those moments: a cave with no light streaming in. I do not enjoy it. It does not feed some sick little joy within me. It is blackest black, curtains tight. Like a hearse. Ugh, here I go again sounding suicidal or something. Nope. Just being real. Night is night, and day is day. Yesterday was depression. Today is light. Hope. Newness. Thank God. Morning brings me word of your unfailing love.
So now, to comprehend the fact that though I feel trapped {once again!}.. by my predicament, my lack of provision to move one way or another, walled in by limits, that this is not the truth. I was telling Chris yesterday that we are in a narrow place in the labyrinth, seemingly a dead end, but soon we will find that the wall is knocked down and behind it laid, all the time, a spacious place. We were trapped by our own limited understanding. I am not exactly saying that we make our own fate, but I am. I am not saying that what we speak into existence always comes to pass, but it can be true. I think we have many options, and a lot more freedom than I originally thought. As a man thinketh, so he is. If I think I will fail and my life be aborted and stagnant all of my days, then, yes, probably that is what will happen. Because eventually that mindset depicts everything you do or don't do. If I believe my life is starting to look up, and that many good things are in store for me, and I fill myself with this hope, turning my mind often to God and this expectancy, then it will do me all the better along the way, even if things don't get drastically better. I wish I was less stuck in the recesses of my mind, and more shallow sometimes, letting nothing bring me down ( which isn't shallow, I envy the ability to be a doer and a positive thinker. I often am not. )
Chris's favorite thing to say when I am in these dark moods,"Annie, Annie, where are you?" Because even I don't know how far into the forest of obsessive fretting I have ventured. Until I am sitting in that old familiar place of my own making, drenched in tears and empty of energy.
Stupid news, it gets me every time! I confess, and I know how gross this is, the other day I was curious about Jeffery Dahmer, so I went to his wikipedia page and started divulging all of the information, every grisly detail of his mental sickness and tendencies..... what a sad, demented soul he was. And then my mind starts the downward spiral of depression over mankind and where humanity is and is going, and I get saturated in it.
Happy thoughts! Go to your happy place! The things we meditate on or think about most is what is going to define us, most likely. If I fill my mind with peaceful, inspiring things, then maybe I will not go to these dark places quite so much.
I have strayed a bit from what I wanted to say here in this blog. I wanted to say that even though last night I felt sad and broken, today I am fueled by hope and expectancy. I refuse to be steeped in the slough of despair. I may get my shoes wet when I walk over it, but I plan to find the stepping stones that go over it, and through it rather than mired in it repeatedly.
So now, to extricate myself from the woven web, the cornered girl who finds she is only cornered by herself. I love that quote which says,"Indeed there is nothing God will not do for those who will dare to step out in faith onto what appears to be only a mist. As they take their first step, they will find a rock beneath their feet." F.B Meyer.